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This That And Frog Hair2: Don't Forget Its Monday

Monday, September 18, 2006

Don't Forget Its Monday



START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all



Cat Had the idea of click and comments on Monday's I liked that idea and tried to remember to do just that. Every picture should have a link hidden in it. Have fun.


When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a little TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know to solve your mid-life crises....


************ ***
March was the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday.
He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the brilliant
mathematician and Nobel Prize winner married his cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well
endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with
large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This is known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

************ ***
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS
STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES
UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING
AND PANTING.

"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS. "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK,"
CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS
HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS
"DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND
HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO
THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN
THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER,
TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU
ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A
HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING
THE KIDS!"


Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants
pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out
you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on
your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

************ ***
Golden Screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog flowed in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window. The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off.

The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll lose your ass".


The other day Caitlin, 14, Kyle, 8 and their mom Christal went
to do some school supply shopping. Caitlin and Christal went to look
at some lip gloss and then noticed Kyle wasn't with them. The store
was very crowded and they asked an associate for help finding him.
The associate quickly took a description of him and broadcast it
over the intercom system. Near tears, Kyle came walking toward
Christal and Caitlin. Before they could say a word, Kyle said, "Mom,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I was just standing there and when I turned
around YOU had WONDERED OFF! You know you have to take me with you
when you go somewhere else in the store!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
At a "Paris style" outdoor antique market last month Lisa and
her son Michael, 10, had a great time looking at "treasures." They
came upon an old rotary phone. As Lisa was dialing and remembering
having one, Michael asked, "How do you dial?" (He didn't see any
buttons!)
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Here is another one from Lisa. When Ryan was 3 he came to her
with his hand on his forehead and said, "Mommy, I got a headapake."
To this day Lisa calls headaches "headapakes!"
************ ***
THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
------------
(but probably wishes he had)

--Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if
they already know everything

--Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs
$10 just to repair

--A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell

--Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer. It's
called a clothes line

--Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others

--Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the
bill for them

--For every judge operating in an official capacity, there
are 100 who are self-appointed

--It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are
most likely to be remembered

--The more you know, the more you know you ought to know

--The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet



An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4
parachutes -

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.
The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and
left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S.
President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the
smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to
die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said I am a US Senator, the democratic party
Needs me and my liver still has some good years left. So he grabbed the pack
next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old
schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a
Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and
explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home
from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your
mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you
come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited
when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor,
and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My
husband's home! My husband's home!"


A man was lying on the psychiatrist' s couch as his therapist addressed
him.
"Well, Jim. I'm pleased to announce that this will be our final session.
I believe that you finally are cured of your paranoia."
"Yes, doctor. I am."
"I remember how you used to think that men in black were following you
everywhere. But you don't believe that anymore, do you?"
"No, doctor. I don't"
"I remember also how you used to think that black helicopters were
hovering over your house. But you don't believe that anymore either, do
you?"
"No, doctor. I don't"
"Finally, I remember how you used to think that CIA agents were
monitoring your mail, bugging your phone, and snooping into your
affairs. But you don't beleieve that anymore either, do you?"
"No, doctor. I don't. Thanks to your therapy, I no longer harbor such
delusions. In fact, you've been so helpful to me, that I'm really sorry
that I have to kill you now," said Jim, as he pulled out a gun.
The psychiatrist was shocked. "Wait a minute. Why do you have to kill
me?"
"You know too much."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bubba and Billy Bob, who are from Tennessee, travel to Kentucky to
visit a relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a
sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy a whole
gob of these, take 'em back to Tennessee, sell 'em to our friends, and
make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let
me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think
we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a
slow Kentucky drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Kentucky drawl, "I'll
take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00
each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.
I'll back up my pickup and ......."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Tennessee, ain't
yah?"
"Well...yeah, " says a surprised Bubba....... .. "How come you know
that?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners. "

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