White Trash Wed.
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell
luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the
restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had
purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply
held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received
from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle
began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its
"Gone but not forgotten."
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
SUNDAY SCHOOL CHILDREN ...
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Marriage Joke On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said "Honey, do your remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married. "She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those b0obs and scr*w your brains out.'" She giggled and said, "Yes, dear,that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was
suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork,
a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man
starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put
a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again,
the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped
him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork,
walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for
some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope
mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat
and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically,
thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest... The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then
using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it
onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured
Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter
hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but
now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and
has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't
know anything about bear hunting! By the way , is the bait holding up, or do we need
to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment
arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he
quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his cell phone (Thank God for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastically, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons
A sailor being punished for a misdemeanor was ordered to take a broom
and sweep every link on the ship?s anchor chain. As he started
sweeping, a seagull landed on the broom handle, which prevented him
from doing his chore. So he picked up the seabird and threw it into
the air. The bird returned to its newfound perch, once again impeding
the navy man?s progress. Once again he flung the bird into the sea
breeze. This back-and-forth procedure continued all evening. The next
morning the chief petty officer observed that the job wasn?t complete
and irately asked, ?What have you been doing??The sailor replied, ?I
tossed a tern all night and couldn?t sweep a link.?
What?s the busiest time in a bird?s day?