Friday's Funnies

Note I hadn't realized when I uploaded this morning that it didn't load. Sorry about that. At least I had done a back up.

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all


A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying
"Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he
decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey,
how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are
peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says,
"Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says,
"Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were
peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other
side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples
are great - give me some." He gets back in his car and drives a little
further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each."
Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with
these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The
guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says,
"Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says,
"These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon
a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see
what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer
and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try
one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes
like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly
round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young
blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains
that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an
emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join
them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says,
"Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks
me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear
or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when
playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider
myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my
shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All
eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball
on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down
the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape.

"That was beautiful," said the dad. The blonde puts her driver away and
says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was
closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball
within five feet of the hole.

The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a tricky
little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts
for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge,
chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the
five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back
in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately,
and I'm a little rusty. "Maybe I'll really get into this next drive."

Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the
hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the
middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde
continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par
or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has
a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to
the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting
like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to
play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break
70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this
hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal
Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the
rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green,
carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about
6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that
little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches
to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into
the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the
green, picks it up and hands it to the her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart.
Your car or mine?"


The new categories:

Category 1: "Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and shrubs are
damaged, housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for these storms by
duct taping your shrubs, kicking the cat, and shaking your fist
triumphantly at Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-ass storm at you.

Category 2: "Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the sicker looking
trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children complain.
Planning: duct tape all the sick trees you may have on your property, as
well as duct taping X-es on your windows. This lets the wind know not to
blow the glass in. Purchase bottled water, before everyone else snaps it
up.

Category 3: "Deeply Frightening." Houses collapse, mobile homes cease to
exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, dogs fart
explosively, healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape everything on
your property, including the dog. Buy plywood and nail it over the
windows-- after first duct taping X-es over the glass. Purchase bottled
water and bleach. This is so if it looks like you're going to die, you
can add the bleach to the water and drink it.

Category 4: "Holy Shit." Buildings fall, cars fly through the air,
walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles inland, entire
regions disappear completely. Planning: Cover your entire house with
duct tape X-es to try and fool the hurricane into thinking the whole
place is a gigantic window. Nail as much wood as you can find to the
outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and your family and your farting
dog in the basement with the bottled water and bleach, and maybe some
canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun to ward off looters in the
apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to follow.

Category 5: "The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is picked up
several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized pieces, the
Biblical leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up and swallows
mankind whole.
Planning: screw the duct tape. Get into the basement and make peace with
your god. Whomever He, She or It may be.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally,
they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female
moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan
was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume
and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume
and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was
answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get
out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
you'd better brace yourself.

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent
years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke
into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in
the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room
and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman,
and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the
husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in
tow, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing
your neck. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants
to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives
depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says:

"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't
seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck... He was
whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I
love you, too."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had worked late at the
office and wasn't feeling well enough to drive herself. Although this was an
innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to
get jealous easily.
Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly
he looked down and spotted a high-heeled shoe half hidden under the
passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her
window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a
sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.
That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she
asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Greg watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning... When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted Greg. And then, all at once, Greg had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear... Yes, hunched over that ant on his hands and knees, Greg suddenly knew what he had to do... Quit drinking before noon!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The ninety-five year old woman at the
nursing home received a visit from one
of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the woman, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend
asked. "You look like you're in good health.
They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend
asked again.

The woman leaned back in her rocking chair
and slowly explained her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already
died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid
they're all wondering where I went."

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; Alas, he couldn't
afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the
ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get
the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.

Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball
bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the
elephant's balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the
owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so
he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and
forth as if to say, "no"

Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and
fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and
walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final
day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's
"livable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are
Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and
right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it
when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the
wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles.
Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us
live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God
probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway,
whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by
murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for
praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us
Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a
redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat
in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider
Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that
we're whingeing.

We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead,
we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing
race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence
it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only
short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like
watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this
continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows
that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address
the issue once and for all.

While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate
enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and
flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have
no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the
Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.

Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because,
because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics
start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the
Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest
pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We
shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though
we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at
least we're better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we're sleeping.


"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite,"
the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of
every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a
little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in
as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last!
Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner
and I get on top!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner.
"When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and
pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she
asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she
unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even
know her name."

"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.

"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."- - - - -
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for
I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so
terrible."

"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such
awful language?" asked the Priest.

"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that
looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a
phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the
ground after going about 100 yards."

"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what
you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"

"No Father," said the man,

"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed
my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle
came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"

"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying
away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the
green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through
some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a
sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from
the hole!" told the man.

The priest sighed,
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!

SEX FACTS

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size.
According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of
men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect
(no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the
truth). (incidentally the average vaginal capacity is
only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle
king dong)

3) 80% of American men are circumcised. Even
though Paediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can
make your penis grow but time (most men reach
the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and
shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically
called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider
themselves "attractive" (20% of British women
do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say
they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the
term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking",
and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of
women say they are "sexy".

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong
size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy goes to a super-maket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at
him.says, "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

He thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife.
He says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in it?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."