Its Trash Day Again. Thats White Trash

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all


HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
1 You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.
2. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
3. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
there aren't any.
4. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.
5. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
6. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that
you don't have a waterbed.
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Tick

What happened to the dog who swallowed a watch?
He ended up with a bunch of ticks.

Tiger

There was a young lady from Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And a smile on the face of the tiger.


A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for a holiday dinner.
The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced,
"This is matzoh ball soup."

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was
hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple
pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you
don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of
matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. Then, a
"mmmm" sound of appreciation can be heard, and he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A not necessarily well-prepared student
sat in his life science classroom, staring
at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam
demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers
of varying sizes.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on
a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my
favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not
be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

The doctor then began listing orders:

"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty
minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the
first."

"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill
every fifteen minutes for eight hours."

"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every
twenty-five minutes and must void between.

"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for
ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."

"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."

"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."

"Feed him something tasty every hour."

"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."

"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will
not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was
greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked
the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live."

Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will
have to learn a new sport."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Can't Find It
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that
only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately
needed to go to the bathroom.
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course
the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick. Five minutes later
Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a
little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to
find it now.

Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the
teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for
awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Eddie and Norman go together and
five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it?"

Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on
backwards."


I love this one.
God: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the
dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a
perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of
soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybee and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now, but all I
see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, LORD. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to
kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful, it doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all
that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so LORD. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That should make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, LORD. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, LORD. They bag it. Why? Is it a cash crop? Do
they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize the grass so it will
grow, and when it grows they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved it the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, LORD. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water
it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in
the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. Inn the autumn
they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in
the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves
form compost to enhance the soil. It's the natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, LORD. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around
in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to hear anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie do you have scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, LORD. It's a real stupid movie about

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Rabbi," the man said, "Please explain the Talmud to me."

"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a question. If two men
climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,
which one washes himself?"

"The dirty one," answers the man.

"No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and
the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes
himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one
comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean
washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."

"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at themselves, the clean man
knows he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.

Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out
dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

"I don't know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be
either one."

Again the Rabbi says, "No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could one
man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves."

The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same question three
times and you gave me three different answers. Is this some kind of a
joke?"

"This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+~~#~~#~~
Weird Fact :
The collecting of beer mats (coasters) is called tegestology.

Stork

As Confucius says, ?Pity the poor stork. He gets blamed for many
things that some other bird is responsible for.?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Why does a stork stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted it, he?d fall down.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sturgeon

Who?s the main doctor in a fish hospital?
The chief sturgeon.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Swallow

What bird is present at every meal?
A swallow.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere."
~~#~~~#+*+*+*+*+
A lady is throwing a lavish birthday party for her granddaughter, and
had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before
the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling
sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up.

After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was
stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain
the children herself. She happened to look out the window to check on
the two bums, and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said,

"What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen
such a thing. Do you possibly think your friend would consider repeating
this performance for the children at the party? I would gladly pay him
$50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him."

"HEY, WILLIE! FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"


"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my
radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM
stands for."
-- Jasper Carrott
------------ --------- ---

Son: Dad, what is a weapon?
Father: Well, son, that's something you fight with.
Son: Is Mom your weapon?
------------ --------- --------- -------
Maria: I fell off a sixty-foot ladder today.
Sue: It's a miracle you weren't killed.
Maria: Oh, I only fell off the first rung.
------------ --------- --------- --------
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was
astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his
office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie
asked when she got the doctor on the phone. "No, not at all," the doctor
said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking
someone out." "No," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The
900 bucks is for bringing you back around."
------------ --------- -------

F I G H T C R I M E ! Shoot back.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Cats do not think that they are little people. They think that we are
big cats. This influences their behavior in many ways."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Tern

The young gull was an only child. He was well-behaved and a delight
to his mother. The mother said to her infant, ?Because you have been
so good, would you like a brother?? The small bird replied, ?Oh, yes!
One good tern deserves another.?