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This That And Frog Hair2: Overloaded With Jokes

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Overloaded With Jokes


Orgasm

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = There's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo =
Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms



Ode to Freddie Bloor
This is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
whose sexual equipment got jammed in a door.
The firemen arrived on the scene, double quick
But alas were too late to save poor Freddie's dick.

By the time they freed him he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
but when they arrived there was nowt they could do.

What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice,
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool
some bright spark suggested a bionic tool.

A bright new electric one made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his ass.
So newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.

Finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
he piled her with drink and made her feel randy.
The girl without waiting, put her hand in his flies,
when she felt what was there gave a cry of surprise.

"That's my bionic chopper, now let's have some fun!",
"Cor blimey!", she said, "It feels like a gun!"
They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast,
and he turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast.

They clutched tight to each other as Fred's dick shook some more, then
they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor. Now the part hotted up
and they started to choke as the air in the room became filled with blue
smoke.

With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air
and his other went plonkety plonk down the stair.
So back for repair went poor Fred, full of woe,
was this how his sex life was destined to go?

A return to the doctor at the end of each shag
with his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag.
But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again,
and they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main,

So if the batteries run out, it's still quite alright,
Cos he's now got a mains lead and can go it all night,
And if he can't get a girl, lucky Fred doesn't cry,
cos he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q and A

Q) What did the Alabama teen do with his first fifty cent piece?
A) He married her

Q) What do you call a Korean family with just one dog?
A) Vegetarians

Q)Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread ?
A) Because they are both turned down at night.

Q)Why does it take woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares??

Q)What do you call a baby before it is born?
A) Daddys little squirt.

Q) How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) None. After it burns out they just follow it around for years.

Q)Whats black and white and comes in little cans?
A) Michael Jackson

Q) How did Captain Hook really die?
A) Jock itch

Q) How did the leper lose the poker game?
A) He threw in his hand.

Q) What are the ingredients in a Polish cocktail?
A) Perrier & water



Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise
some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young, attractive woman applied for the room and
explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio
for a few weeks. She said she would like the room from Mondays to
Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house, and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I
have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the
yard, and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill
it with hot water."

"What about you're husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,"
replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that's settled, I'll go to the studio and
see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model. After stripping her clothes, the model
stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic
hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and
explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when
modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not
believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can peek
in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual, and Doris prepared the bath for the
model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the model's naked
pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties,
pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why
did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've
seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred, "I have -- but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first
one..."This is for the shame", and then the second one..."This is for
the glory."
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one..."This is for
the shame" and then the second one... "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got knotted together and
he dragged me around the front yard for forty minutes."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
Function relatively well; however, you are still
Parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel
This way. For some reason, you are craving a
Steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You
May look okay, but you have the mental capacity
Of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
Only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
Tossing around the Papa burger and fries you
Had at the all night drive thru excursion at 3:00
AM. There is some definite havoc being
Wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
Are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl
Walks by, you gag because her perfume
Reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots
Your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life would be better right now if you were
Home in your bed watching I Love Lucy
Reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
Gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a Diet
Coke yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't
Speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for
Being late and has given you a lecture for
Reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
That can't hide the fact that you only shaved
One side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks
Like you put your make-up on while riding the
Bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red
Vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter
Is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
Poops you take during the day brings water to
Your eyes as well as the eyes of everyone who
Enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head,
Which is actually annoying the employee who
Sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
Out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact,
You are probably still drunk. You still have
Toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
From brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
Remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has
Lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue
Is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest
Idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in
Your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
Results in a fire hose like discharge of
Alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown
In. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be
To splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Mitsubishi

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT
IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.


A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He
puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case.
"What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."
"Woof!" signals the dog.
The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's
purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters
an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at
a door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting
at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever
seen!"
"Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's
forgotten his key!"

A Priest Through
Customs!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
"Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
When I was in second grade, I left the playground during recess and went
to a tiny little grocery store where my folks did their shopping. It
was right next door to the school.
I charged a package of Goober's! I thought I was pretty smart.
That night I couldn't sleep. I called out for Mom and had to
confess the horrid thing I had done. She tried real hard not to laugh,
so instead she cried and hugged me.
I guess she thought she'd done something right since I couldn't
live with this heinous crime.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
After five decades of living in Ohio, I know how to be an Ohioan. While
I was learning, written guidelines would have been helpful. So I've
written some to assist others:
1. Know the State Casserole. The State casserole consists of canned
green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can
safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be
accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon
in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of
concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at
liftoff.
2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort
to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring
every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year
dedicated to a high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese,
Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over
other towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density
Lipoprotein Festival. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these
festivals and at least buy an elephant ear.
3. Know the geography....Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who
couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance from
Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida
in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired
Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the
Lower Peninsula of Ohio.
4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
excuse, which is that you stay here because you like the change of
seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have
spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is
capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour
period. For these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World.
Even layering, however, can pose danger...Golfers have been known to
dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they
couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable
spring morning.
6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below
regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no
counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign
capital... Lima or Berlin or Louisville, for example......you must not
pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence,
it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, but LYE-ma as in bean, and it's BER-lin, not
Ber-LIN, like in Germany. Louisville in Ohio is pronounced Looisville,
not Looalville as in Kentucky.
7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle
differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine
bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch
derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious
need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are
more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
(Note: THIS IS GOSPEL as known by Boyers! Ohio employs more landscaping
maniacs than any other state in the union!)
8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be
knowledgeable on three levels -- professional, college and high school.
The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot
running back at Stow High School, who he took to the prom, what he got
on his biology quiz last week and whether or not he has a shot at making
The Ohio State Buckeyes!
9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we
do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if
you see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it
undercoated to guard against rust.
10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish"
to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the
existence of Amish moo shu pork.

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