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This That And Frog Hair2: Laughes to Start Your Day

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Laughes to Start Your Day


START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat,
but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
her pupil.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move," answered
the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
and it didn't move."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three
shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into
the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams
down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so
tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese,
flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed
trapwire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the
third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his
stool and begins walking away from the bar.
The other mice scream, "Oi! Softy!, where do you think
you're going?!
The third mouse replies, " Home, to shag the cat ."
*************************
While visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of
New York City, my daughter and her children were
awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive
candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to
light one. She explained that is it customary to say a
prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to
tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony
outside, it's mine."



Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is just so
priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it
is today.
A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February
and March for their monthly service charges on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now is was somewhere around $60.00.
I placed a call to Citibank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being
dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more
I can do to help."

Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"



While attending the U.S. Army's Airborne School...The day before
our first jump, the instructors (known as 'Sgt Airbornes', students are
called 'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might
encounter.
After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to
deploy, one of the students asked "Sgt. Airborne, if we have a complete
malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"
"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that
reserve!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made
a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few
hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and
figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage
550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read
the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are
discussing the question of when does life begin. "Without any doubt,"
says the Priest, "life begins at the moment of conception, when the
sperm meets the egg."
"No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment
of birth, when the baby emerges."
"No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kids are out
of college, and the dog dies."


What's dumb?

Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?

Reading them.

Even dumber?

Reading them and learning something

Dumbest of all?

Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing
wrong.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's
office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to

pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his

office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
He said "Two words."
"What are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." he responded.
"What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"What are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman
asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I

asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first.
Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle

with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size,"she said, "but
my
hands fit perfectly around his neck."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot
at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the
same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going
to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head.
Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself,
his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms
upward and shrugged.

Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want
the space. I mean, I didn't want anyone mad at me over a parking space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've
known that I was giving you the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take
the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
*************************
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


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