Quotes, Odds and Ends
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted.
DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male: Playing football without a jockstrap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off
for a weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
home run or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement
and male bonding.
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my
ex-wife will be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on
Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see
if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up".
Impolite Things to Say at a Wake
* So, what are you gonna do with his golf clubs?
* Who do I talk to about his bar tab?
* Of course you'll miss him, he didn't molest you.
* How long you think until he starts to stink?
* Wow! Other than his wife, is there anyone in this room he
* Say what you will, Madame Toussot does nice work.
* It's weird not seeing him drunk.
* I always thought he was gay.
* Isn't that suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?
* So now that you're a widow, what do you do? Masturbate?
* I was there when he died. Man, what a baby.
"Happy Birthday to Mick Jagger. He turned 63 today. Mick's secret
to looking good? Always stand next to Keith Richards." ~Jay Leno
"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all
the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking
her 'What's it like to be celibate?'." ~David Letterman
"'The artist formerly known as Prince' is getting divorced. He was
seen removing his belongings from the house formerly known as his."
John and Jill decide to take in a movie.
Jill is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful
love scene in a movie.
John leans over and whispers those three little words that are on
his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the
following hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path
in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and
declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged
and kissed her, what would you do?"
The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation,
"I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half.
I have a little too much time on my ass.
-- Wendy Liebman
I've been trying to get my stool specimen to the lab for weeks now.
I'm going to have to start getting my shit together.
-- Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations
Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport.
She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said,
"Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
A soldier got married. On the first nighy he found out the wife
He telegraphed HQ: Red Alert on front. Extend leave.
Reply from HQ: Attack from back & report.
Mel Kaplan, a high school English teacher in New York, was grading
test essays written by his students.
On one student exam essay Kaplan wrote, "I am giving you a D because
'fuckyou' should be spelled as two words; and 'ass hole', as one
Hotmail's login page recently invited Sofia Graves to click on an
advertising link: "How to pamper your poo".
"Unsure how I had been neglecting that side of me all these years,"
she reports, "I quickly clicked it - to discover it was all about
the well-being of dogs." Or pooches.
The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation,
but I hear that it's coming quickly.
-- Mel Brooks
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while
a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4,
but it worries him.
The biggest Barbie collection ever sold is up for auction
in London. Built up over 40+ years, the 4,000 dolls
include one of almost every Barbie ever produced.
The Top 5 Uses for 4,000 Barbie Dolls
5> Enough pins for 400 lanes of bimbo bowling!
4> Just in case Lindsay Lohan's case goes to trial, we'll have
a jury pool of her peers ready.
3> Biggest audience ever for the talk show you co-host with your
cat, Mr. Fluffles.
2> "Allah be praised! The 72 virgins are falling from heaven
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Use for 4,000 Barbie Dolls...
1> Emergency airdrops to areas where young girls are woefully
confident in their own body shapes.
California Assembly candidate Bill Conrad admitted in May that he
personally wrote the flier proclaiming that his party primary
opponent, Tom Berryhill, "doesn't have the HEART (emphasis
in the original) for State Assembly" because Berryhill had a
heart transplant six years ago and that "the average lifespan
of a heart transplant recipient is seven years." (Berryhill won
easily.) [Modesto Bee, 5-18-06]
Self-described "pro-traditional family" candidate Jim Galley lost a
two-man June congressional primary in San Diego, with no help from
the San Diego Union Tribune's discovery, a week before the voting,
that he had had child-support payments garnisheed from his paycheck
for four years and was once, for a 17-month period, simultaneously
married to two women. [San Diego Union Tribune, 6-2-06, 6-5-06]
(1) Randall Roye, whom New York City government lawyers say entered
the country illegally in the 1990s and assumed the identity of
a dead man, nonetheless tried to sue the city for $20 million
after he allegedly "fell" out of a first-floor window of a school
building. (With his cover blown, he has dropped out of sight,
according to a June New York Post story.)
(2) The U.S. military has attempted to hand back 32 parcels of land
and buildings to the South Korean government after restoring them
to their pre-Korean War condition (except for capital improvements
the U.S. has made, which stay with the buildings). However, South
Korea is refusing 25 of them, according to a June Stars and Stripes
story, until the U.S. provides further upgrades. [New York Post,
6-5-06] [Stars and Stripes, 6-8-06]
Fake Doctor Looks Out For Women's 'Breast' Interests
MIAMI - Why didn't I think of this one? A 76-year-old man tried
to pass himself off as a doctor as he went door-to-door offering
free breast exams. One of the women who actually eli
eved him got
suspicious after he asked her t
o take off her clothes and started
performing an exam without gloves. The white-haired suspect,
Philip Winikoff, was later arrested at another woman's apartment.
Winikoff, who carried a black bag and said he was visiting on
behalf of a local hospital, fondled and sexually assaulted at
least two women, both in their 30s. His real occupation was as a
shuttle driver for an auto dealership.