Sunday Morning Funnies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all



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There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back. The
weather was very hot and he decided to take a nap under one of the
trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he
realised was that all his hats were gone. Then he heard some monkeys on
top of the tree and he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of
monkeys.

They have taken all his hats!

The hat-seller sits down and try to think of how he can get the hats
down. He started to think and scratched his head. The next moment, he
realised that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took
down his own hat and fan himself. The monkeys did exactly the same!

An idea strike him - he took his hat and threw it on the floor. And,the
monkeys did the same too. Alas, he managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat-seller and had heard
this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest.
Feeling very hot, he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on
the floor Again, when he woke up, he realised that all his hats were
gone.

He looked up and found that the monkeys had taken all his hats.
Remembering what his grandfather had told him, he started scratching his
head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself
and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his
grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor ... but to his
surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats!

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor,
gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather !!
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A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St.
Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate
in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good
doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when
the other phone rang. His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm
talking to Christ."
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Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily
married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to
always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.'"
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"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" asked Sarah to
Ruth, a co-worker at a security firm where Sarah was recently hired.
"A little." said Ruth. "What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she
received was a cover-sheet and a blank page," explained Sarah. "I tried
it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?" asked Ruth.
"Well," explained Sarah, "it's a pretty sensitive memo. I didn't
want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so that only the
recipient would open it and read it."



It was the first day of school. The previous principal had just retired
and a new principal just started. As the principal made his rounds, he
heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.

He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to
be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall,
gave him his sternest look, and told him to wait there until he was
excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured
the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.

When he finished he said, "Now, are there any questions about anything I
just said?"

One girl stood up very timidly.

"Sir, is our teacher going to be out in the hall very long?"
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In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a
field and asked, "Did you happen to see a wagonload of monkeys go by?"
"Nope," replied the farmer. "Did you fall off?"
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly
her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
*************************
Camel
Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked
the proprietor for the menu.

"We don't need a menu here," said the
proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."

"What? Anything?" asked the client.

"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.

"In that case, I would like some camel's tail
soup."

"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while,
and you will have to wait a while for it."

"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for
an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen
of fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly
delighted. He called for the proprietor. "I really
enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not
really camel's tail soup."

"It certainly was" exclaimed the proprietor. "Tell
you what, come with me."

The client was led to the back of the restaurant,
where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned
into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the
countryside, to an enormous farm. There the
client was amazed to see every possible kind of
exotic plants, animals and birds. The restaurant
proprietor pointed to a compound in which there
were two camels, of which one had only a stump
of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.

"That's where your soup came from," he announced.

The client was absolutely floored. "That is
remarkable," he gasped, "but there must
sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."

"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been
caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a
customer asked for crocodile balls on toast. We
were clean out of bread that day!!!"




A bartender is preparing to open for the night
when he hears a knock at the door, he opens
the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before
you open?"

So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line
'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much,
but he fills them and he watches her down the
lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he
thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has
had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business
he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go.
Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and
puts her outside the door where she first came
from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell
rings again so he answers and the girl is back.
He can`t believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks,
"Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey
makes my twat sore."
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There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by
car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most
unusual name, The Even Steven. Since it was located in the middle of a
desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the
next place would be, he decided to stop there for the night, and satisfy
his curiosity about the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name
is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The
Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop
and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie
appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business."

"It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here
don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see.
In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away,
whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And
worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set
eyes on, should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so
frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same
vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An
excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who
introduced herself as Blanche Even; and when he was finished she still
kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted. Finally, she said,
"Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like
closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a
knock at the door and an absolutely breath-taking brunette came in.

"I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got
everything you want."

"I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of traveling,
so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and got rid of her, he climbed in
between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the
Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous
redhead in a negligee to end all negligees. "I'm Ginger Even," she
announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it
myself?"

"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about
to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the
proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the
matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters
moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they
all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble.
Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered I'm a
professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."




In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
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Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
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In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.