offending the easliey offended
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians
aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii,
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to
welcome the arrival in Hong Kong, of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after
its tour of China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the
Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the
middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and
ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was
furious. I called room service and raged, "Hey, I know I'm in a luxury
hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers borders on the ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly
explained. "I believe, sir, you are complaining about your room number."
This is priceless !!!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one ?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration pa pers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration
papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
1. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps:
They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
2. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
3. What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
4. What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
5. What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
6. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
7. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito? One is
a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
We gave our friend Bill, a jogger, a T-shirt that read,
"I'm single" on the front and "For more information..."
on the back, and we included a phone number.
Sure enough, a few months later Bill brought over his new
girlfriend to meet us. When he removed his jacket, we saw
that he was wearing the T-shirt. He turned around and
announced his engagement by showing us the back of the
shirt. Added to the original message was, "Offer expires..."
followed by their wedding date.
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning"
to all of us.
When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."
He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good
morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and
open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the
instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put
their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.
"And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's
Weird Fact of the Day:
New York City was briefly the U.S. capital from 1789 to 1790.
Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour,
"It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to
your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw
them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'8"?
" Yes,"the neighbor answers, " I believe he was."
" Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
" Yes," the neighbour agrees.
" Then that was the mailman, Jim , " Thorn responds. "He'll screw
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her
secrets for preparing perfect sauces.
When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said,
"Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of
the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat
I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.
"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three
metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new
boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on
a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he
means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do
you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make
$300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and
screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has started a blog:
The Top 5 Posts on the Iranian President's Blog
5> "So Ahmad says it's time to get a jihad on and we roll down
to Ibrahim's Brass Pole for the wet burka contest. We're like
total schwingfidels. Shiite yeah!"
4> "... and if you move the country's letters around you get
'rain,' which never happens here in the desert... Man, I am
sooooooo wasted right now."
3> "Today's mood: choppy. Currently listening to: A Flock of
2> "Who else has noticed that Casper the Jihadist Ghost looks
a little *too* similar to that dandified capitalist Richie
Rich? Are they perhaps the same being, reunited through a rift
in the space-time continuum? ... Um, I mean, KILL THE INFIDELS!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Post on the Iranian President's Blog...
1> "Curse the infidel! How can I resist battery power *and*