Tacky twisted giggles

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the
first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan
Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and
says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young
as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again." "Don't worry about it
Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a
limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I
wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown
custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you
know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is
going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way.
Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is
being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front
row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting
next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible,
becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them
stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters
through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
*************************
A butcher just out of trade school applies for and gets a job in
northwest America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.
The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.
He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking
them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc.
When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile
of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he
finally puts them all into one bag and labels them....."moosellanious."
*************************
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the
rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. A clerk
approached him and asked, "What would you like?"
He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled
doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."





But, I don't want it ala Carte!!!"

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs,
bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering à la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
*************************
Deja Boo: Trick or Treater that comes back later

*Deja BooBoo: An odd feeling you've stolen "that picnic basket" before.

*Deja Brew: The feeling that you've been in this Starbucks before.

*Deja Chew: The feeling you've tasted this before.

*Deja Flew: Been on this airplane before.

*Deja Flu: The feeling you've caught this bug before.

*Deja Gnu: The feeling you have been to this zoo before.

*Deja Knew: Learned this stuff before:

*Deja Moo: Burping the Baby

*Deja New: A used clothing store

*Deja News: History.

*Deja Oooh: The feeling you've admired this before.

*Deja Oops: The feeling that you've stepped into this before.

*Deja Pew: The feeling that you have heard this sermon before.

*Deja Queue: The feeling I waited in line before.

*Deja Stew: Leftovers

*Deja Sue: The feeling you've been in this courtroom before.

*Deja Two: Had this feeling of deja vu before.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Doctor

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well, pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel
like a wig-wam. You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did *what* happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a
pencil 'till I get there.
*************************


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
For my grandmother Bessie's 80th birthday, we had a huge family
celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement
about her in the local paper.

"That was such a nice shot," I commented.

"It's only my passport picture," she revealed.

"Really?" I stared at my homebody grandma in complete
amazement. "So...Where did you go?"

She replied, "Walgreen's."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously, when the
auctioneer receives a note from an assistant, and reads it aloud, "A
gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is
returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room comes
a cry: "Two Thousand Five Hundred!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Cow tipping: the udder truth

Arthur Black For the Parksville Qualicum Beach News(Black Press) -

There have been some classic urban legends in my time - the
choking Doberman, the cement-filled Cadillac, the exploding toilet,
the char- broiled scuba diver found in the ashes of a forest fire -
but none have been quite as hardy or long- lived as the cow tipping
urban legend.

More of a rural legend, actually, but as robust a yarn as any city slicker
ever dreamed up. Urban - and rural - legends all share three
characteristics.

Number one: they stretch the bounds of credulity completely out of shape.
Number two: they are spectacularly funny and/or horrific.
Number three: the teller of the legend always vouches for its veracity -
but second hand. It happened to their cousin, or their landlord or the
best friend of their good buddy down at the plant.

Oh, and one other thing they share: urban/rural legends are invariably
bogus.
Never happened, anywhere, anytime. This, despite the eagerness of
believers to swear on a stack of People magazines that the stories are
absolutely, 100 per cent, swear-to-God true.

So it has always been with cow tipping.

I first got wind of the alleged practice while having a beer with a couple
of
alumni from the Ontario Agricultural College in Guelph, Ontario many
years ago. They assured me that certain college colleagues of theirs
(not themselves, you notice) occasionally got tanked up at a tavern,
then drove out in the country looking for a little action.

When they spied a herd of unsuspecting Holsteins they would get out
of the car, crawl over the fence, tip toe up to the nearest sleeping bovine,
gather on one side of her, deftly flip the beast over and run triumphantly
back to the car.

There are a number of unlikely aspects to this story. For one thing,
Messrs Molson and Labatt could not supply enough beer to invest
tackling a cow on its side with any significant entertainment value.

Secondly, it would be damn hard to even locate a herd of cows deep
in the country in the middle of the night.Unless you used flashlights,
in which case you could expect a reception featuring barking farm
dogs, stampeding cattle and irate farmers toting 12-gauges loaded
with rock salt.

And then there are the cows.

Contrary to popular belief, cows do not sleep standing up.They doze
but they don't sleep.

Also contrary to popular belief, cows are not always docile, placid
followers of Gandhi.I used to work in the Ontario Public Stockyards
and I still have scars on my legs where various Holsteins and
Herefords registered their displeasure with swift and vicious kicks.
And oh, yeah - cows are also ... heavy.

A decent-sized Holstein can easily tip the scales over the one-ton
mark.Imagine yourself and a couple of drunken buddies going up
to a full-size Buick and flipping it on its side.

Got that?

Now imagine it as a cowhide-covered, cranky full-size Buick with
four sharp hooves and a pair of horns. The pointy kind, not the
honky kind.

But don't take my word for it. Check out the work of Margo Lillie,
doctor of zoology at the University of British Columbia. She and
student Tracy Boechler actually produced a laboratory recreation
of a hypothetical cow tip.

They concluded that theoretically a cow 1.45 metres high, if
pushed at an angle of 23.4 degrees relative to ground level would
require 2,910 Newtons of force in order to be displaced from the
vertical to the horizontal.

Translated into English, it would take five trained athletes in peak
physical condition to tip a cow under ideal conditions - i.e. having
said cow consume a bushel of Quaaludes washed down by a
couple of two-fours to render Bossie sufficiently catatonic not to
realize or react to what was happening to her.

"I have personally heard of people trying but failing," notes Boechler,
"because they are either using too few people or being too loud."

"Most of these 'athletes'," adds Boechler unnecessarily, "are intoxicated."

So. Reality check time.

Cow tipping: fact or fiction?

Could a gaggle of giggling tanked-up frat boys flip a cow on its side?

Sure, it's possible.

Absolutely.

When pigs fly.




Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to
a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are
running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are
to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other
dogs.

Dogs don't mind when you have two dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things
on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month
long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than
asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than
dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you
incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the
Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching
adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice
to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog
you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as
opposed to in your wallet, desk and the
back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger
dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready
to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.
*************************

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections