Sunday Funnies Early Edition

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's
one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even
feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said,
"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a
heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME~

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her
nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back
to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a
tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that
the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the
shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she
took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper".
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
E-Mail Is Like A Penis
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information vital to the survival of the species. Some people
still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most
folks today use it for fun most of the time.

4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.

2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.

1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a
lot of trouble.





We had another small earthquake and my wife was freaking out as
usual. "Did you feel that?" she yelled, "Another earthquake! I hate
living here!" I shrugged and said the only thing I could, "Don't
blame me. It's not my fault!" (Clynch Varnadore)

In Hawaii we have a lot of geckos. They're really newts and the
natives used to wear them for decoration. They'd wear different
colors for different occasions, pineapple newts, mango newts,
macadamia newts, etc. Have you ever seen a Hawaiian with a fig newt
on? (Keith Martin)
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A man was walking his dog by the gas station, and while talking to a
friend, his dog started lapping up some gasoline that was on the
ground. Suddenly, the dog shot off and the owner ran after him. A
short time later, the man came back with the limp dog in his arms.
His friend asked him, "Is he dead?" The man answered, "No, he just
ran out of gas."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of
beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four
dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to
the bartender."Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept
that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects
his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a
neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
During the first couple of days of school, I asked my third grade
students to put their spelling words in alphabetical order. One
student would look at me strangely, shake his head, mumble, and write
something on his paper. After repeating this process several times,
he finally put his completed word list on my desk and walked off
still shaking his head and muttering to himself. His paper was filled
with strange looking words such as , "acp, ailn, eert, and deks." It
took a few seconds for me to realize that he had taken my
instructions literally and had, indeed, put his words in alphabetical
order--cap, nail, tree, desk, etc.
*************************
You know you're Italian when....

1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice
a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you
can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a
regular paper lunch bag.

3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives
a 76 Monte Carlo.

4. You share a bathroom with your 5 siblings, have no money, but drive a
$45,000 Camaro.

5. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent, are
all blood relatives.

6. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a
nutritious breakfast.

7. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens
(one in the basement).

8. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's
brother-in-law.

9. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.

10. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of those
cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

11. In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.

12. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you
the title of "professore" among your aunts.

13. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

14. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

15. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his
mother had an affair.

16. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

17. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two eggs decide to get married. Along comes the big day and everything
goes to plan. But they are both very nervous about the honeymoon night
so the female egg decides to dress up in a skimpy little negligee to
help them get excited.
The husband comes along and sees his wife dressed like this and
all off a sudden runs into the bathroom and locks the door.
The wife is very shocked by his behavior but being inexperienced
at this she thinks it's normal. After about 10 minutes the husband egg
is still in the bathroom and the wife is starting to get impatient so
she knocks on the door.
"Honey, Is everything o.k.?"
"Yeah, Yeah. I'll be out in a few minutes."
So, she goes back to the bed and waits. But after a half an hour
she is really annoyed because he's still in the bathroom, so she goes up
and knocks on the door.
"If you don't come out of the bathroom now, I'm going to divorce
you, I swear!"
With this the door opens and out comes the husband egg wearing a
crash helmet! The wife egg thinks this is very strange so asks him why
he's wearing it.
"Well, the last time I got this hard, someone hit me over the head
with a spoon!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under
the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"
"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.

What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
Lost.

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar
and was trying to get laid without much success.
"I don't date servicemen," she said,
"but I am curious as to why you sailors have
those two rows of buttons on your pants."

"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.
"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's go
to my place and try them out."

So they did, and after four hours of screwing the blonde says "Boy that
was sure nice, now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other
one." Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a
limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared "Well, I'll be damned!
He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
The term "the Big Apple" came into common usage in the 1930s when touring jazz musicians referred to a town or city as an apple, making New York the Big Apple.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
ATLANTA, GA
This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta,
has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who
already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of
downtown Atlanta is to turnaround and start over when you reach Greenville,
South Carolina.

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When
you see the Waffle House." Except that in Cobb County, where all directions
begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:

Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone
for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke's all they drink there, so don't ask
for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola.

The gates at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport are about 32 miles
away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5pm rush hour is from 3:00
to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through
2am Saturday.

Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue, so do not attempt the
Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and
stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawntz duh LEE-awn."

And yes, they have a street named simply, "Boulevard."

The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all
traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three
days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a
week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled
water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta, which has a posted speed limit of 55
mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is
known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Don't believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked "East"
and West" but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the
direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop."

If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates
and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your
car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There
are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.

There are 10,000 types
of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen
before.

If it grows, it sticks.

If it crawls, it bites.

If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu, another
ill-advised "import," like the carp, starling, English sparrow, and other
''exotic wonders."

It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're
2 years old.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

"Momma-nem" means: How's Mother and all of the other children and other
members of the family doing.

If you understand these, forward them to your friends from Atlanta, Georgia
and those who just wish they were.