Wednesday's White Trash Day

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all








Garge, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him
in Gander for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch
limo. She asked Garge if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was
no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady
to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, " Would be me
pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. . I'll paint ya in da nude, but I
has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.. ......"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Moose
A Scottish visitor was in Maine for the first time. Spotting a large
antlered animal, he asked his host what manner of beast it was.
?That?s a moose,? the native replied. ?In that case,? added the
Scotsman, ?I wouldna like to see one of your rats!?
*************************
Moray

As the male eel sang to his girlfriend, ?That?s a moray!?
*************************
Weird Fact :
A headache and inflammatory pain can be reduced by eating 20 tart cherries.
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Mole

What happened when a frustrated homeowner stuck his garden hose into
one of the numerous mounds in his backyard?
He made a fountain out of a molehill.
*************************
Mongoose

A farmer who was bothered by marauding snakes wrote a note to the
city zoo: ?Please tell me how I could acquire a pair of mongeese.?
The word didn?t seem right, so he wrote another note: ?Please tell me
how I could acquire a pair of mongooses.? By then, neither word
seemed right, so he wrote: ?Please tell me how I could acquire a
mongoose and a second one to keep the first one company.?
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
The USS Abraham Lincoln has five gymnasiums on the ship and a basketball league with 22 teams.
*************************
Mink

Did you hear about the ex-convict who gave his wife a mink stole for
her birthday?
It may not have been genuine mink, but it certainly was stole.

Secretary No. 1: ?My boss gave me a mink coat.?
Secretary No. 2: ?To keep you warm??
Secretary No. 1: ?No, to keep me quiet.?

She was only a mink farmer?s daughter, but she muffed it every time.







~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I
teach. "Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pants pocket and
jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting. To illustrate
my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man with
coins in his pocket." What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey,
so do I."

~~~~

A blonde was boasting to a friend of her's.
"There was a note on my windshield when I came out of the restuarant
that said, "Parking fine."

~~~~

A recruit in Navy boot camp at Great Lakes got on the wrong side of his
Company Commander and was ordered to do push-ups. As the recruit neared
triple digits, an airliner flew overhead. "I bet you wish you were on
that plane, don'tcha?" sneered the Company Commander. "No, sir," said
the unlucky recruit. "Why wouldn't you want to be on that plane?"
"Because," the recruit grunted between grueling push-ups, "that plane's
landing. I want to be on one that's leaving."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you
want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there
is a
full moon?

A Weirdo (were-doe)





For the Fourth of July the nursery school teacher took the opportunity
to
tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be
happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.

He stood with his hands on his hips and said: "I'm not free. I'm four."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from
San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose
truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car
and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a
lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three
hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I
don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could
you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two
chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the
blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat
belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was
horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the
street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to
the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road
and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you
doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take
these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we
had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
*************************
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma
went into a bar bragging about who was the badest of the three.

The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid.
Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".

When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher,
laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one
of his fingers.

She was startled.

The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a
shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".

Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid
his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.

The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the
Texan.

The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a
whole bottle of tequila and hurry".

Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his
pants and slams his dick on the table.

The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"

"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling
too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my
wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a
present for me.

She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I
said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The
children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and
despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,
"Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;
someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and
said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out
into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis
and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and
smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in
about six minutes, she came out... ... carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy
Birthday.

... and there on the couch I sat... ... with nothing on but my
socks...

...and *that's* why I fired my secretary.





Little Johnny and a girl playing in a mud box and Little Johnny, being a
little boy, was playing with his goober.

The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing
with a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between
her legs.

Little Johnny had got bored and wanted to see what kind of goob the
little girl had. He put his hand down between the girls legs and you can
imagine what happened ... YES ... Little Johnny's finger was just about
taken off.

Poor Little Johnny ... this gave him a complex. All through grammar
school, middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with
a girl. He went to college and the last year there, he met this girl
and after college they got married. They had been married now for about
6 months and Johnny came home to a crying wife.

She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?"

He said, "No you're not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?"

"Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months
and we have not made love," she said.

Little Johnny said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what
happened to me when I was a kid." And he did.

The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!"

Little Johnny said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am
then we need to split up."

She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her clothes
off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to
her husband and said, "Watch."

She started to put the bread down there when she farted!

Little Johnny flew into the bedroom and locked the door. His wife beat
on the door and pleaded for him to come out!!

He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls
over a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS
1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you
shouldn't have." Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys,
Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you
see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The
Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also Known
As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also Known As: The Fretter,
Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the
front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl,
Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg,
Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how
I feel about our relationship" Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl,
Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a
crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection,
The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Surprised Valentine

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away. I could
not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid a**.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.




Sean Connery

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a
night.

Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd
love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place"

So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for
half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping,
hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."

Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then
Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an
hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your
left hand, and my dick in your right hand."

Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind
blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell
me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right
stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne,
she stole my wallet."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his
parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He
calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his
parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one
cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who
would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the
lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just
moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she
must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go
right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up
the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the
yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of
the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded
to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone
call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems
he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come
back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I
did.
*************************
It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at
240km/h.

He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the
road, on its roof, and flames all around.

There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so
he stops his car.

Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to
death.

The guy reckons " screw it" and rushes home to fetch a blanket.

He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the
woman on the blanket.

He then rushes her to the hospital.

Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and
every night.

He donates blood to keep her alive.

Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides
to leave him.

His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.

She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she
reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar.

Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks" What
are you doing?"

I'm leaving you, " she says.

"Oh really, and how are you going to leave?

The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car.

You are not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.

"And those bulging suitcases?

The clothes you're wearing?

Everything, I've paid for.

They are my suitcases and my clothes.

You're not taking them anywhere"

"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him.

She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too.

"And the blood in your body?

I sat with you for six months in the hospital.

You know half of the blood is mine.

You're not going anywhere."

She looks at him, turns, whips out her tampon and says
" I'll pay you back in monthly installments."