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This That And Frog Hair2: Today's giggles

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Today's giggles



START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
You Know alcohol should be served at work because...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants
to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of
drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.





Going to college in Boston?
"Mary-mutha-ah-gawd, you gotta be wicked smaht!"

But we bet you don't know some things. Like, what's a three decka? A
packie?
How about a rotary? Ever banged a U-ey? Worn dungarees or ordered a
frappe?
Even a Rhodes scholar would have a tough time deciphering the language
Boston calls its own.

"New Englanders have had a long and strong tradition of eccentric ways
of
expressing themselves, especially in Boston," said Boston University
Linguistics professor Michael Feldman. "It's very distinctive."

Indeed ~ and we'd have a wickid time tryin' to stump ya, then make fun
of ya
behind ya back . . . but that's wicked mean. Instead, here's a little
primah
to take with you on the T, while you're on the Common or in the Gahden,
maybe catchin' a Pats game or sipping a regulah coffee at Dunkies.

American Chop Suey ~ Found in school cafeterias, this delightful dish
doesn't resemble anything American or Chinese. It's macaroni with meat
and
tomato sauce.

Bangin' a U-ey ~ This is what you do while driving after you miss a turn
and
you have to turn around.

Book it ~ To high-tail it someplace, as in, "I better book it to Stah
Mahket
before it closes."

Bubblah ~ Spelled bubbler, it's a water fountain.

Der ~ An interjection indicating disdain for someone else's stupidity,
as
in, "The old Gahden was way betta than the Fleet! Der!"

Down Cella ~ The basement. As in; "run down cella and get me a dishtowel
outta the drya." Derived from upstairs.

Dungarees ~ Jeans. Hardly heard anymore, unless you're at some sort of
senior citizens event.

Frappe ~ What the rest of the nation calls a milkshake. But in Boston, a
milkshake is just flavored milk; no ice cream allowed.

Fried and Bizaah ~ Weird. "That dude is wicked fried." "Yah, he's
totally
bizaah."

Fudge-icle ~ To the rest of the world, a frozen chocolate pop is a
Fudgesicle, but in Boston, the 's' is silent.

Hermits and black and whites ~ Cookies. A hermit is a molasses and
raisin
bar. Black and whites, known anywhere else as half moons or half and
halfs,
are round, cakelike cookies with chocolate frosting on one half, vanilla
on
the other.

Jimmies ~ Sprinkles you put on ice cream.

Packie ~ Liquor Store. You'll have to make a packie run if you want a
kegga
(keg party.)

Rotary ~ traffic circle. And in Massachusetts, those in the rotary have
the
right of way.

Scrod ~ a generic name for white fish. We think it's cod, but no one's
sure.
Usually breaded and laden with butter.

So Don't I / So Aren't I ~ So do I, So am I. "I have tickets to
Aerosmith
tonight." "Oh my Gawd, so don't I!" "No Suh!" "Yah huh."

Three Decker ~ Pronounced three decka, it's a three story house in which
each story is a separate apartment.

A time ~ A party. "We're going to a time for Sully at McGuire's."

Tonic ~ Soda.

Wicked ~ Extremely. "Nomaaah's a wicked good baseball playa."

Yah huh and no suh ~ Yes and no. Usually heard during an intense
conversation. "I saw Mickey at Castle Island and he was with another
girl."
"No SUH!" "Yah huh."

Other tips: Don't say COPEly Square, it's COPley.

Worcester isn't WOOster or Worchester, it's Wisstah.

Say Commonwealth Avenue, Massachusetts Avenue or Dorchester Avenue and
you'll get pinched. It's Comm. Ave, Mass. Ave and Dot. Ave.

BOSTONIANS!!! . . . . ya gotta love 'em!

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




One finds the most romantic people at home improvement
centers. My son was helping a couple purchase a new door
for their home. After he asked what size they needed, the stumped
husband
yelled clear across the store to his wife in home supplies, "Honey,
c'mon
over here and see which one of these door you can fit through!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult
to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned
on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client
had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head,
the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know
they had to be baptized, too."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Did you hear that, since so many were being laid off, Coke executives
were
going to forego all raises and bonuses for the next year? No? Well,
neither
did anyone else.

*************************
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the
ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear
things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two
miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child,
household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far
away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the
wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One time when Michigan State was playing UCLA in football, the score was
tied at 14 with only seconds to play. Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State's
coach, sent in place-kicker Dave Kaiser who booted a field goal that won
the game.
When the kicker returned to the bench, Daugherty said, "Nice
going, but you didn't watch the ball after you kicked it."
"That's right, Coach," Kaiser replied, "I was watching the
referee instead to see how he'd signal it. I forgot my contact lenses,
and I couldn't see the goal posts."





My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes.
All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a
free market.
A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim
it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim
it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
We can purchase almost anything we want from many different
countries BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian (Or Mexico) pharmacy. That's called
un-American!
And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful
lobby? Think again!
*************************
You knew all the uses for duct tape.

Lost in the woods?
Not with duct tape around!
Just hang little strips of tape from branches
to find your way back.

Remodeling on a budget?
Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors
and drawer fronts for a modern, metallic-
look kitchen.

Super seal your tax return envelope with
duct tape to annoy the IRS.
And when you've finished your taxes,
patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape.

Hang a strip of duct tape from the ceiling
for an instant fly trap.

Enjoy your music loud? Duct tape volume
knob at your favorite level.
Duct tape vibrating stereo to table.
Duct tape vibrating table to floor.
In most cases, foundation should secure floor.

Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to
pick up fuzz, lint and pet hair from clothing
and furniture also picks up small pets from
clothing and furniture.

Teach kids about safety by using duct tape
to make seat belts for their dolls.
Also keeps pets in place during car trips.

Remove dust balls under beds using these
three steps:
1. Wrap duct tape sticky side out around small dog.
2. Roll the dog's favorite ball under the bed.
3. Yell "fetch!"

Use duct tape to join two pets tail to tail, and
see what happens!!!!!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It had been decided that the White House gates were getting old, and needed
to be replaced. 3 contractors were asked to give estimates.

First, a contractor from Chicago showed up and took careful measurements of
the size of the gate. The Secret Service agent that had been assigned to
find the contractor asked the man from Chicago what his estimate was.

He replied "$300 for each gate, and $100 profit, for a total of $700."

Second, a contractor from St. Louis arrived, and took lots of careful
measurements. When asked for his estimate, he replied "$400 for each gate,
and $100 profit for a total of $900."

Lastly, a contractor from New York was asked what his estimate was. Without
taking any measurements whatsoever, he replied "$2700."

The Secret Service agent asked him how he knew it would cost $2700 if he
didn't even take measurements.

The contractor from New York replied "Simple, $1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Chicago."



hey pull up google
type in the word asshole and then I'm feeling lucky

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