Manic Monday Click and Comment Today

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

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There was 3 old men at the nursing home sitting
by a pool talking about old
times. One of the men asked the other two what was the
worst sound they ever heard. The first old man said,
"Well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants
come in my direction and I had no place to hide."
The second old man said, "I was a pilot in the air force
and was flying over the ocean and the engine on my plane
was making bad noises like it was going to quit."
The third old man who had asked the question said, "I have
the worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her
husband came in on us while we were in the bed together.
I jumped up and ran and jumped out the window."
The third old man paused and the other two men asked,
"Well, what was the bad sound?"
The third old man replied, "Just a minute. This is
hard for me to retell."
After a short pause he said, "Okay, I jumped out the
window and the woman's husband grabbed me by the balls!
So there I was, hanging by my balls, and the worst sound
I ever heard happened. It was the sound of a man trying
to open his pocket knife with his teeth!"

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Weird Fact :
The triangular shape that Toblerone chocolates are packaged in, is protected by law.
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Marriage Joke

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled but brought him the beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, one more beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top! "You b**tard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say 'hello' to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed, "Oh sh-t, it's started."
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Weird Fact :
Mexico City boasts the world's largest taxi fleet with over sixty thousand taxis running every day.
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While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him. Probably not the same elephant then.
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Weird Fact of the Day:
Approximately 7.5% of all office documents get lost.
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Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?
Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed
for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
to know?"
Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis
is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your
problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell
them it
grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you
been?"
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to
figure
out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you
can do
it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply,
in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be
my
friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get
out
GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When
they
get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card
number to
a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often
can't
sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the
receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your
food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some food.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If
they
do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not, since it is
such
a great product.

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up
...louder...louder...louder...

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY
WORD down.

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can
call
them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they
don't
take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home.
If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly
say
"Bingo!" and hang up




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The teacher asked little Johnny to put the following words into a sentence
To show their meaning. Here are some of them:

* Ammonia: Billy's mum offered me a lift after school, but I said ammonia
Short way from home.

* Reverend: Teacher says if I don't study I'll be in this grade for reverend
Ever.

* Bellicose: You shouldn't hit someone in the bellicose it hurts.

* Eclipse: Every month my dad gets the garden shears and eclipse the hedge.

* Avalanche: In our house, we have a breakfast at eight and we always
Avalanche at 12:30.

* Avenue: Thanks to Mom and Dad, avenue baby brother.

* Falsify: When I balance a book on my head, it falsify move.

* Festival: I have geography homework to do tonight, but festival I'm going
To watch TV.

* Bulletin: The cowboy limped because he'd got a bulletin his leg.

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Now These Really Do Ring True!!

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
Will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
Signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
Had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat
Tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
In will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
(works every time)

Bath Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
When you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
Work, it will.

Law of Bio-mechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to
The reach.

Theatre Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
The aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
Boss will ask you to do something which will last until
The coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they
Will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing
Face down on a floor covering are directly correlated
To the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered
a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish
community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won,
they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to
represent them in the debate. However as Moishe spoke no Italian and
the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent"
debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed threefiingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The
Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still
only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to
show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled
out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I
could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How
did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he
tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to
him, we're staying right here."

And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."