Friday's overload
Because I have been on a tear this morning over everything I have seen and heard on the news. I watched Bush and saw a man with something very heavy on his shoulders this morning. Not like the other speeches this last couple of weeks. Something was there in his eyes. Something that appears grave and very serious. My son was watching this also. He said there is something wrong.
I am gonna do an over load of jokes and laughs.
Whit this being said let the jokes begin.
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail,
singing "21" "21" "21".
A blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts
jumping from rail to rail, singing "21" "21" "21".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the
tracks just as the blonde is splattered all over the place.
After the train passes, the brunette goes back to jumping from rail to
rail, counting and singing, "22" "22" "22".
~~~~~
In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers
were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked "If there's
anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back
as."
"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.
"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."
~~~~~
Going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPS LOCK KEY?
He does the work of 3 men... Moe, Larry & Curly.
He who slings mud loses ground.
HELL (n): Backing up a 200 gig drive with 700 Meg CDs.
*************************
Where To Publish Your Paper
In Academia, it's "Publish or Perish" so here are a few tips for all you
Junior Professors out there on where to get your papers published.
1) If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of
mathematics.
2) If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics
journal.
3) If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an
economics journal.
4) If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a
psychology journal.
5) If it attempts to make something important out of something trivial,
then send it to a journal of education.
6) If it attempts to make something trivial out of something important,
send it to a journal of metaphysics.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce
court. The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of
your
marriage, you did not speak to Jill?" Phil replies, "Yes Judge,
that
is correct." "And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the
judge inquires. Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her,
Your
Honor. Momma always said that's impolite!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Dispatcher: "Nine-one-one." Caller: "Yeah, I'm having trouble
breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass
out." Dispatcher: "Sir, where are you calling from?"
Caller:
"I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang......" Dispatcher:
"Sir,
an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?" Caller:
"No." Dispatcher: "What were you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?" Caller: "Running from the police. So don't
send
them."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
John had spent a week visiting with his brother. Bill had accompanied
him to the airport for his flight back home. After verifying his seat
number, George rejoined Bill and explained he'd have to wait an
additional two
hours. "Why do you have to wait?" "My plane's been
grounded." "Grounded?" Bill said puzzled. "I didn't know planes
had parents."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his
water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the
distance
he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his
ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush!
Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the
sun
and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled
with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a
hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He
painfully lifts one arm
and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled
up
by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I
don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've
been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm
completely lost!" The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and
says,
"You think YOU'RE lost!!!!"
*************************
Flying into a Middle Eastern airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our
flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up
a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets
turn white-knuckled during carrier landings. Once the captain was
strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard, "Sir," I asked,
"will this be your first carrier landing?" Looking at me with disdain,
he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of
ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet
fighters.: "That's good to hear." my co-pilot said, winking at me,
"because this will be our first."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Texas
A Texas Rancher's Will.......
- TO MY WIFE:
My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
- TO MY BANKER:
My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
- TO MY NEIGHBOR:
My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the
past.
- TO THE FARM ADVISOR:
50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
- TO THE JUNK MAN:
All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
- TO MY UNDERTAKER:
A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my
pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
- TO THE WEATHERMAN:
Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good
weather now.
- TO THE GRAVEDIGGER:
Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
- TO THE MONUMENT MAKER:
For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all
of his obligations."
Aboard a plane, an announcement by the captain was heard. "This is Captain
Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you again aboard
ABC Airlines flight 007 to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic, and I'm sorry to say that we have
lost power of all our engines and will crash into the ocean shortly."
The passengers were obviously very anxious to hear that, but were somewhat
comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we here at ABC have prepared for such an emergency
and we would like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers
are on the left side of the plane and the swimmers on the right."
After the passengers rearrange themselves accordingly, the captain made a
belly landing in the ocean. 'Ladies and gentlemen, we have crashed into the
ocean. All the swimmers, please open the emergency exits and quickly swim to
the nearest island, which is on the right. As for all the non-swimmers on
the left, "Thank you for flying ABC Airlines!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always
in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules"
statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a
higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are
wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer,
a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and
dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I
am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time
four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big
cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that
nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he
said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a
deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and
said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister
pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize
that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."
*************************
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member
lay gravely ill. Finally, the Doctor came in
looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the
bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental
procedure, semi-risky and you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they
absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much
does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for
a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted
out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and so to the entire group said, "It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
down the price of the female brains, because
they've actually been used."
I am gonna do an over load of jokes and laughs.
Whit this being said let the jokes begin.
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail,
singing "21" "21" "21".
A blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts
jumping from rail to rail, singing "21" "21" "21".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the
tracks just as the blonde is splattered all over the place.
After the train passes, the brunette goes back to jumping from rail to
rail, counting and singing, "22" "22" "22".
~~~~~
In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers
were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked "If there's
anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back
as."
"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.
"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."
~~~~~
Going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPS LOCK KEY?
He does the work of 3 men... Moe, Larry & Curly.
He who slings mud loses ground.
HELL (n): Backing up a 200 gig drive with 700 Meg CDs.
*************************
Where To Publish Your Paper
In Academia, it's "Publish or Perish" so here are a few tips for all you
Junior Professors out there on where to get your papers published.
1) If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of
mathematics.
2) If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics
journal.
3) If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an
economics journal.
4) If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a
psychology journal.
5) If it attempts to make something important out of something trivial,
then send it to a journal of education.
6) If it attempts to make something trivial out of something important,
send it to a journal of metaphysics.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce
court. The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of
your
marriage, you did not speak to Jill?" Phil replies, "Yes Judge,
that
is correct." "And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the
judge inquires. Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her,
Your
Honor. Momma always said that's impolite!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Dispatcher: "Nine-one-one." Caller: "Yeah, I'm having trouble
breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass
out." Dispatcher: "Sir, where are you calling from?"
Caller:
"I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang......" Dispatcher:
"Sir,
an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?" Caller:
"No." Dispatcher: "What were you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?" Caller: "Running from the police. So don't
send
them."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
John had spent a week visiting with his brother. Bill had accompanied
him to the airport for his flight back home. After verifying his seat
number, George rejoined Bill and explained he'd have to wait an
additional two
hours. "Why do you have to wait?" "My plane's been
grounded." "Grounded?" Bill said puzzled. "I didn't know planes
had parents."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his
water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the
distance
he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his
ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush!
Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the
sun
and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled
with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a
hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He
painfully lifts one arm
and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled
up
by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I
don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've
been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm
completely lost!" The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and
says,
"You think YOU'RE lost!!!!"
*************************
Flying into a Middle Eastern airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our
flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up
a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets
turn white-knuckled during carrier landings. Once the captain was
strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard, "Sir," I asked,
"will this be your first carrier landing?" Looking at me with disdain,
he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of
ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet
fighters.: "That's good to hear." my co-pilot said, winking at me,
"because this will be our first."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Texas
A Texas Rancher's Will.......
- TO MY WIFE:
My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
- TO MY BANKER:
My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
- TO MY NEIGHBOR:
My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the
past.
- TO THE FARM ADVISOR:
50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
- TO THE JUNK MAN:
All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
- TO MY UNDERTAKER:
A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my
pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
- TO THE WEATHERMAN:
Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good
weather now.
- TO THE GRAVEDIGGER:
Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
- TO THE MONUMENT MAKER:
For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all
of his obligations."
Aboard a plane, an announcement by the captain was heard. "This is Captain
Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you again aboard
ABC Airlines flight 007 to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic, and I'm sorry to say that we have
lost power of all our engines and will crash into the ocean shortly."
The passengers were obviously very anxious to hear that, but were somewhat
comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we here at ABC have prepared for such an emergency
and we would like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers
are on the left side of the plane and the swimmers on the right."
After the passengers rearrange themselves accordingly, the captain made a
belly landing in the ocean. 'Ladies and gentlemen, we have crashed into the
ocean. All the swimmers, please open the emergency exits and quickly swim to
the nearest island, which is on the right. As for all the non-swimmers on
the left, "Thank you for flying ABC Airlines!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always
in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules"
statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a
higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are
wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer,
a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and
dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I
am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time
four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big
cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that
nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he
said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a
deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and
said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister
pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize
that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."
*************************
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member
lay gravely ill. Finally, the Doctor came in
looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the
bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental
procedure, semi-risky and you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they
absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much
does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for
a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted
out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and so to the entire group said, "It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
down the price of the female brains, because
they've actually been used."
posted by lilfeathers2000 at 10:33 AM
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