Thursday's giggle Page
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Weird Fact of the Day:
The famous jewelry store Tiffany & Co. was established on September 18, 1837 in New York City. The amount of sales that were made the first day were $4.98.
When a man climbs on a woman, he hasn't long to stay,
His mind is full of nonsense, his ass is full of play.
He climbs on like a lion, and rolls off like a lamb.
And when he buttons up his pants he isn't worth a damn.
His sporting days are over, his light is burning out,
What used to be his sex appeal, is now a water spout.
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St.
Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they
teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life.
After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine.
On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting
an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th
tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a
small shack for the groundskeepers.
Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy
came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot,
but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through
the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will
roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can
So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but
possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit
the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her
Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he
tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will
to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!
He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,
and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to
feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he
approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his
shot to the same damned spot.
As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir,
the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the
other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will
follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."
The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I
tried that I double-bogied."
I have CDO.
It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical
order like it should be.
A Chinese couple finally make it away from their restaurant for
a much overdue vacation. As soon as they hit the hotel room the
husband grabs his wife and they begin to make love.
In the heat of the moment the husband looks into his wife's eyes
and says, "How about a rittle sixty-nine?"
The wife screams, "You want chicken and broccoli now?"
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading
this is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and
this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
....HOWEVER..., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of
the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. God, I just
love happy endings. Don't you??
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort Dogs
and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle
I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets*
1. They live here You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Murphy's Laws On Sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
it,because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going
to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
the same ones she can't stand years later.
Why didn?t the baby moth cry after being spanked?
Because it?s hard to make a moth bawl.
William Shakespeare once asked his wife to check whether moths had
done any damage to his favorite coat. After a thorough inspection,
she announced, ?No holes, Bard.?
A boy asked the bookstore clerk for the book Advice to Young Mothers.
?Is the book for your mom?? asked the curious clerk. ?No,? replied
the lad, ?it?s for me. I collect moths.?