Late Night Giggles

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
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The young couple had only been lovers for a few weeks, but the guy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"
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A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Golfing with his buddies."
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Weird Fact :
Almost 425,000 hotdogs and buns, 160,000 hamburgers and cheeseburgers were served at Woodstock '99.
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Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.






While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a
scheduled appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year
old son with her. My friend suggested she might like to ask her son
to wait for her in the lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no.
I need him to see the doctor today. You see, Johnny is taking voice
lessons. His voice coach says he can have Johnny singing from his
diaphragm in no time, and I figured if that was the case, we'd better
get him one fast before the insurance runs out!"
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get
hard.

Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.

Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.

Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright

Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest
are handicapped.

Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
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In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add
statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied).
She picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was
classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on
the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."



J in PDX A Priest Through
Customs!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
"Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next."
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So there's this grocery store and they've got this crazy scheme to keep you
coming back to the store.
You pull into the parking lot and park your car. As soon as you park, two
extremely hot 18 year old girls walk up to your car and start washing it.
You go in to get your groceries and when you come back the girls are washing
your car without clothes.
You get in and try to drive away when they both get in your car. They start
making out and having lesbian sex. Then one of them gets in the back of the
car with you and performs oral sex on you, while the other girl steals your
wallet.
My wallet was stolen on Tuesday, Wednesday, 2 times on Thursday, today,
probably tomorrow, and most likely again on Sunday.
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the driver behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "Pullover!" "No," the woman yelled
back, "It's a scarf!"
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A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one
of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had
photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it
free. "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a
kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that
it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the
doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
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While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the
checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the
coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked
distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven
now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said,
"That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!"
said the checker.




Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend the
night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there weren't
enough bedrooms.
The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two
daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms.
Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they were going to
score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of signals so
that each could let the other two know if they were successful. The first
said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell, "Freight train
through bedroom one!" The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through
bedroom two!"
Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell "Freight train through
bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail train through bedroom
two!" was heard.
Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out, "Handcar
through the attic!"
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OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove.... to
Duluth. .

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately
threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere
yust for 50 cents." .

THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up.
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ... "Yep, dat's
her!" .

SWIM COMPETITION

A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the
Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The
French woman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached
shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other
two girls used der arms." .

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians
invented the hole in it. .

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with
only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the
first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good
ting ve didn't catch any more." .

BAR RIDDLE

A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on
the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner. "Look," he said,
"let's have a game. if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you
can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?" "Ya, dat sounds purty good," said the
Swede. The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't
my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Swede scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks. ...
Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his
cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I
buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven. Okay . . my fadder and mudder had vun child.
It vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?" "Search me,"
said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
--- "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."
.
FINGERNAILS

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her
nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious,"
said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was
Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth." .

THE RELATIONS

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One
evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached
over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex
relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena...
I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas." .

THE BIRTHDAY
GIFT

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to
svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered,
"because vith a clarinet, she can't sing. .

THE PRANK CALL

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed
and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles
from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks Lena. "I donno,
some damn fool wanting to know if da coast was clear..

NORWEGIANS VS IRISHMEN ON THE JOB

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of
telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of
two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with
both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing
poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most
phone poles gets the job. Both teams headed right out. At end of the
shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them
how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but
they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the
Norwegian guys, came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss
asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Ole, the team leader
wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in." The boss
gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"" Yeah,"said Ole,
"but you should see how much they left stickin'out of the ground!