Another Manic Monday's Laughs

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




Request Line

Military Automated Artillery Support Request Line

Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human customer service
representatives with computers could affect the military? Here's the
result.

Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making
a phone call and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery support
request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with
all available resources in the shortest time possible.

For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW. [In
enemy
language: If you are a member of the [enemy country] army, we will not
be able to assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support
request line at 1-800-DIEYANK]

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please
press 1.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please
press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please
press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like.

If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please press 1.
If you would like 105 mm. howitz ers, please press 2.
If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or
scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier
advocates. If you would like to request the use of chemical or nuclear
weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense
will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like
to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please remember
to verify your coordinates and remember that your request may take
several minutes to process.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]

You have entered co-ordinates 323451.
If this is correct, please press 1.

Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass-code, followed
by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your pass-code, we will begin
processing your request. If you have forgotten your pass-code, please
contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary pass-code. Please enter your
passcode now.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]

Thank you.

[Pause]

Your pass-code has been verified and your request will be processed. We
strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as
possible.

Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One time when Michigan State was playing UCLA in football, the score was
tied at 14 with only seconds to play. Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State's
coach, sent in place-kicker Dave Kaiser who booted a field goal that won
the game.
When the kicker returned to the bench, Daugherty said, "Nice
going, but you didn't watch the ball after you kicked it."
"That's right, Coach," Kaiser replied, "I was watching the
referee instead to see how he'd signal it. I forgot my contact lenses,
and I couldn't see the goal posts."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes.
All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a
free market.
A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim
it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim
it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
We can purchase almost anything we want from many different
countries BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian (Or Mexico) pharmacy. That's called
un-American!
And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful
lobby? Think again!
(Please forward this to every person you know over age 50)
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided
to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two
characters in a popular children's story.
After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were
saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must
get that all the time."
They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my
husband asked, "What was that all about?"
"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.
"Yes, but what does that have to do with," he pointed to the
couple, "Dick and Jane?"
*************************
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a
pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant
in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman
will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature
of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they
can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her
relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why
didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all
rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin'
nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a "hot rock
massage", and go shopping...




A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking
Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to
her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while
she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting
his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through
negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says,

"I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his
luck. so he says: "I really fancy a 69".....

"Fuck Off" replies the girl..... "I'm not cooking at this time of
night!"
*************************
Letter From A Computer Widow

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications thing, so
that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I
thought you should know what has been going on at home since your
computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a
family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the
back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did
at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the
electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it
really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has
uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us
all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized
that you didn't mind being vacuumed, but that feather dusting made you
sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last
spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes
in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is
taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a
housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things
in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just
the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time
while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to
remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when
a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and
orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the
whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't
you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The
man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves
him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,
"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the
man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of
whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman
says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your
big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and
says, "Secret Service!"




After just two days of driving through Mexico, Steve
was sick and tired of Mexicans.
"They hate Americans," he told his wife, "and I
swear - the next one I see, I'm gonna make that
son of a bitch suffer!"
As it happened, Steve's anger was such that he
didn't look where he was going, and rear ended
a brawny farmer in a pickup truck.
The Mexican came over and leaned in Steve's
window. "Hey grreeennngo - why you heet my truck?"
"Because I can't stand you or any other Mexican
grease balls!" Steve ranted. "In fact, if you're man
enough, I'm gonna come out and kick the shit out
of you!"
The Mexican motioned Steve out. "I make a deel
weetch you," he said. "If you ween, you take my
truck. If I ween, not only do I f**k your wife, but
you weel hold my balls to keep them off the
hot street."
The men agreed and fought. Later, Steve was
smiling as he and his wife drove off.
"I told you I'd make some Mexican suffer!" he gloated.
His wife looked at him. "What the HELL are you
talking about?"
Steve smiled. "Didn't you hear how he SCREAMED
when I dropped his balls on the asphalt?"
*************************
Nipple

RING!

Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...

"Is this the water department?"

Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...

"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"

I'll try and help...

"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"

You're not really serious...

"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating
on them!"

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

"Not only that, they're getting warped!"

I see...

"They used to be soft, pink and round!"

I'm sure they were...

"Now they really look disgusting!"

I'm sure they do...

"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"

I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your
personal physician?

"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from
the water!"

I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing
this?

"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that"

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

Now I understand...

"Are you going to buy me new ones?"

Why would we do that?

"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's
been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really
suck..."

May I ask how old your baby is?

"He's six, going on seven"

Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for
the bottle...

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"

I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?

"Since he was born"

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the
water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard
and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...

"So! You are refusing to pay!

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they
might just be plain worn out.

"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"

There is really nothing more I can do for you...

"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"

Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file
an insurance claim...

"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"

They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not...

"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more
attention than you have?"

Just show them your nipples!!




When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he
looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a
beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather
forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec.
"I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my
lunch hour."

~~~

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks
the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave
aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss
thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww
ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Top 15 Rejected Lines From Fairy Tales

Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince from the magical land of
Nantucket who had a trusty broadsword so large that...

And then the Frog said to Princess Elspeth, "What, no tongue?"

So party of the first part and the party of the second part lived
happily --
and legally -- ever after.

The wicked surrogate mother convinced the biological parents to leave
the frozen embryos in the forest, where she planned to conduct stem-
cell research on them.

Cinderella then demanded, "Dude, where's my coach?"

In the lawsuit, Goldilocks accused the three bears of negligence,
claiming that their having left the scalding-hot porridge where it could
easily be stolen led directly to her third-degree tongue burns.

"Yes, Your Highness, it's a very nice slipper -- but do you have
something with a higher heel?"

"Not by the hair of my crotchety-crotch-crotch!"

Sleeping Beauty awoke from her 100-year-slumber, sat up and told the
prince, "Dude, that NyQuil sh*t is AWESOME."

...and that night, after the princess told him she was going to have his
child, the prince put out to sea, vowing never to return.

And after the prince did slay the mighty dragon, knights from the far-
away land called PETA did hound him the rest of his days.

"Hey, Mr. Building Inspector," shouted the little pig, "if you got a
problem with my straw architecture, you can just blow me."

Then Mama Bear said, "SOMEBODY has been using my... umm... magical
vibrating wand -- and the batteries are all dead!"
*************************
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"