Some Funny some Gross

This German tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that
had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he
managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped
to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was doing his
business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am soo sorry!"

"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could
I take a look?"

A nun asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda
kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a
bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always
wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?"

"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really exited.
Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?

"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the
nun requested.

The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his
pants. The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened,
and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the
(SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The following extracts come in response to an advert in a
South African woman's magazine called Femina.
All of the extracts are from people who's first (or even second)
language is NOT English! and who live in the wop wops. Back in 1985, SA
Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the
treatment of a vaginal infection known as vaginitis. The ad prompted
hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide. The letters were
collected by the boss of the advertising agency and who swears that
every single one of them is genuine.

Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious:

Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant
smell...

I am one of those with a virginal problem.....I will be very grateful if
my disease were acceptable...

Dear Sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time
to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to
confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex....... The trouble is
my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly....

How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help....

Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex....

My husband is not happy with the behavior of my vagina at bed-time....

Please send me more information about these vaginal erections....

My symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me
another medicine...

Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can
help me....

With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vagina
infection very handy and unavoidable...

I tried Dettol, Omo (washing powder) and also pure brandy.
All in vain....

My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when
the weather is cold or foggy I am a young lady of 1963.
Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during
intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse at all

I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very
dry. I went to the hospital and thay told me I have too
much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity....

I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial
infractions...

Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you
want me to do... Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for
it....

My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he
says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for
me....

I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant....

The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advert...

My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it
doesn't help....

Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell...

Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written....

Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an
infection....

I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't
stopped with me....

My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances
me with his erection...

i never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly
advertised...

I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much
older...please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.

I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse....

My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork...

When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room-freshener.
Now I am 18 and I need your help...

Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina...

According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my
Promised One. She urges me...so help me to help her. My new address is
(address supplied)...but please send your reply to my old address

Can I get vaginal infection without prescription...

Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe....

My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex...

I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem....

The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed
after me in the same water I have reorganised my virginia recently

It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do
not have vaginitis...

How are you at that side of Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's
vaginal infection from Zimbabwe...

.....but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them
or seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using
them....

I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected....

I cannot tell my mother about it; she has no vagina...

The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it
anywhere....

My vagina was discharged recently...

My vagina is deceased....

I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you....

I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis....

I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea-time so
you can study it better...

I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot
reach it properly...but I promise, my body also has some healthy
parts....

How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl....

Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins....

I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach
you....

I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure....
Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, Sir, and send
me this infection quickly...

This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex...

Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking
at them....

I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband's regret....

At today's price of water, I'd rather use Nelex....

I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned...

You will find the vaginal infections at the above address...




A mortician was working late one night. It was his
job to examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who
was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But
I can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home. The first person he showed
was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened
his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was
surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the
front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy and she was the only girl
to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop teacher
asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured
him that she was. The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out
of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.

"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the
shop teacher asked.

Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man and his wife were trying to have a baby, but after several months
they still had no success. The man decided to go to the doctor to see
what the problem was.

The doctor told him, "Maybe you have a low sperm count.
I'll need to run a few tests, so take this cup. I'll need
a semen sample."

The man took the cup, went to the restroom, and handled
his business. Afterward, a lady walked into the office to
find out if her baby (still in her womb) was healthy. She started
talking to the doctor about how excited she was to be having her first
child. While she was chatting, the man walked out of the restroom with
his sample but saw the doctor with the lady, so he put the cup down on a
table and started pacing back and fourth.

The doctor noticed this and told the lady, "I'll have your
test results in a moment. Please have a seat while I finish with this
patient. We have coffee and donuts along with some magazines on the
table over there."

The lady sat down, and the man walked over to the doctor and started
talking about how he and his wife trying to conceive.

While the man and the doctor were talking, the lady
interrupted and asked, "Excuse me, but the donuts are dry,
and I don't drink coffee. Do you have any more milk to go
with them."

The doctor says, "Milk? We never had any milk here."




A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready
for work when the husband looked at his wife and said,
"I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled
down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing
great because she screamed and wiggled more than she
ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back
on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against
the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've
never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself
did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I get the
doorknob out of my ass."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
*I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...*
**
*Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
*Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizin g our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Leopard

What happened to the leopard who took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Sometimes hot women get even hotter when they're on the beach. This
is not to say that they're any better looking, but you'd better not
be looking at them the wrong way in those string bikinis or they'll
get crotchety and agitated. Naturally once the thong is sanded, the
malady still lingers on. Of course the sight of sunbathing women is
hard to top, so I'm kind of strapped to come up with any good lines
about that. What actually impressed me the most at the beach recently
was not a woman, but this one guy I spotted who had apparently spent
the entire week basking in the sun. His skin was such a golden brown
color and had a sensuous texture that really made me... oh,... I'm
sorry, I was apparently getting off on a tan gent.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Les, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day. My husband
kidded him, asking how many birds could afford deluxe accommodations
in our suburban neighborhood? "Leave that to me," Les replied. Soon
that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read:
"Room for wren-cheep."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
After I broke my ankle in a fall in our garage, I had to wear a cast
from the knee down. Normally my husband and I are cozy sleepers, but
the cast posed a problem. Several sleepless nights later, my husband
said to me in desperation, "I don't mind sleeping with the star of
the show, but I can't manage the whole cast."




After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British
newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers
homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the
street.
"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you
did?"
"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh
- what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he
wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.
Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over.
Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before
him.
Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs
the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really
like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you ..
you're going to have be really something special to get this job you
know!"
Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing -
if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what
type of spark plug it is."
The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"
So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark
plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".
The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out
again!"
He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".
The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I
need to be sure. "
Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes
out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.
Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"