Laughes N Giggles

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all



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A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can
be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband
was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her
boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's
car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps
out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied as he was gasping for air. "It feels so
wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved next to him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh yes." our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run. And since my clothes are not wet from sweat, I can just get in my car and go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it rains."
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Ole lived across river from Clarence whom he didn't
like at all. They all the time were yelling across the
river at each other. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I
had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat
you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"
This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge
across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy
don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like
you said you vould?"
Ole says, "OK, by yiminy I tink I vill do yust dat".
Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the
bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around
and comes back home.
Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin'
up dat Clarence. You know, dey put a sign on da bridge
dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't
look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river."
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,"
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"
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Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's parents for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has
his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he
asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred
and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch
and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and
Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think."
He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and
I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over
time that they enjoyed each other's company
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Clyde asked
Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening They dined at the most romantic
restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner
drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no
inhibitor, Maude soon joined Clyde for a most enjoyable roll in
the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd
shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Clyde was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have
been gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose."
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Judi spotted Jon across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Judi asked Jon if he would like to join her for a drink. "I don't know," said Jon. "I've got a wife and two kids at home..." To which Judi replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." Jon thought about it for a second and then agreed. A few drinks later, Judi invited Jon up to her room for a nightcap. When Jon hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And Jon agreed. After a few more drinks in Judi's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and Judi asked if Jon would be interested in a little party. Jon, bewildered, exclaimed, "If I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"


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*After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But-- where is your beard?" asks his pious Jewish mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks. "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?", asks mama. "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
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John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John!
How ya doin?" Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny.
Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." If you think your phone is cool, wait until you see the Ice Blue Motorola? RAZR?. Not only does it look good, but it is free*. How cool is that? Get yours now by clicking the link below.
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