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This That And Frog Hair2: Not News Just funny

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Not News Just funny



START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all






Jellyfish Bad Day


This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work .. think of this guy, Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, Is this a Jellyfish Bad day??

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!




What does the pig say, Michael?" his mother asked.

"Oink, oink," replied Michael.

"What does the cow say?"

"Moooo."

"What does the chicken say?" his mother continued.

"Cluck, cluck."

"And what does the duck say?"

Without a moment's hesitation, Michael replied, "AFLAC!"

*************************
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When the
waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into
her purse and pulling out her own pair.
"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of
destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said
politely. "Ivory??"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor
was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice
that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said,
"Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't
mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that
if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white
canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over
the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more
faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were
in divorce court. The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three
years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge
inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor. Momma
always said that's impolite!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Dispatcher: "Nine-one-one."
Caller: "Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of
breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out."
Dispatcher: "Sir, where are you calling from?"
Caller: "I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang......"
Dispatcher: "Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an
asthmatic?"
Caller: "No."
Dispatcher: "What were you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?"
Caller: "Running from the police. So don't send them."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently "determined calorie
counting principles". The following are calories that: DO NOT
COUNT.....

CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten
regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But
don't worry, because the calories don't count.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal
doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and
now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no
calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste
half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate
chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate
chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate
chip cookies often but don't eat them.

LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hotdog butt, half a Twinkie, anything
intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to
it in the kitchen.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have
something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the
calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In
fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for
this purpose.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For
example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for minors is
calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range,
beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca-consumed for demonstration
purposes-up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream
socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious
dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten
with the other hand has no calories.

AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories.
Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity.
The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the
legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to
accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hotdog eaten at a
carnival actually has a calorie deficit.




Worst First Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!
We have all had bad dates....but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point when she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be on the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt, despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that, indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."



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