The Last of The Trash Today
Subject: You've received a greeting from a family member!
Note from me. I hate viruses and this was a very tricky one. Generally I never open one that even remotely looks suspicious.
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that
she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since
the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she
hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to
call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know
where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they
located my position from the card catalogue."
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and
cemetary, she tells her closest friend that there is
no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And
of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to
the temple and all. That was $500 and I spent another
$500 for the shiva, food and drinks, you know. The
rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My
God, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has
been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied
his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No,
it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the
matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
While attending a marriage seminar on communication,
Morris and his wife listened to the instructor
declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?" Morris leaned over, touched his
wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The story is told of 4 older Jewish ladies who enjoyed
getting together in each others' homes.
"My son," says Mrs. Levi, "is a Physicist and heads up
a department at the University. Her friends nodded
"My son," says Mrs. Greenberg, "is a Doctor and is
Chief of Surgery at Mt. Sinai Hospital".
You must be so proud, they said.
"My son," says Mrs. Goldblatt, "is the head of a law
firm and president of the bar association". Again,
nods all around.
"My son," says Mrs. Cohen, "is a Rabbi".
"A Rabbi?!" they exclaim, "What kind of career is that
for a Jewish boy?"
In the early 1900s, a simple religious Russian Jew
decided that he could no longer stand the Czar's
persecution. He would leave Russia to join his son who
had settled in Houston, Texas.
The son, who had totally assimilated and was a
successful oil man, was thrown into a panic. "Of
course, you are welcome, Pa," he cabled, "I will
arrange a visa, your tickets and fares. But you must
realize that I have a wonderful reputation here as an
oil man. When you arrive, you must adapt to American
culture or I will be destroyed.
Upon arrival at the train station, the old man,
dressed in his long coat and up-brimmed hat, was
whisked to a haberdashery, where he was fitted with
the latest style fedora and a modern-cut suit. But
still, his father looked too Jewish.
"Pa it's not enough. I'll take you to the barber."
The first thing that came off was the beard. The son
looked on and said, "it's not enough Pa. The peyos,
they'll have to go."
The barber cut off the right peya. While the son
looked on proudly, his pa was becoming a real
American. Then the second. And the old man began to
"Why are you crying, Papa?" the son asked
The father, resigned to his fate, simply answered. "I
am crying because we lost the Alamo!"
THE JEWISH COUNTRY CLUB
Danny Thomas, that excellent comedian of Lebanese
extraction and the proud possessor of a majestic
hooked nose, told his audience once of having been
honorary member at a country club reserved for Jews
only. It was because of his own Christianity that he
could not become a real member, and he remained a
He argued with the membership committee, pointing out
that by restricting membership on religious grounds
they were every bit as bigoted as were those country
clubs who would not admit Jews. To set an example they
ought to nonrestrict membership.
Finally, and reluctantly, the members of the country
club agreed, and such artificial restrictions as race
and religion were lifted.
Rejoicing, Danny Thomas rushed down to be the first
Gentile to join as a member under the new
dispensations -- and was refused!
Astounded, he said, "But why?"
And he was told. "Because we're going to a lot of
trouble to let in Gentiles, and if we're going to let
in Gentiles, we want them at least to look like
Moshe and Shlomo are walking down the street when it
starts to rain, and no little sprinkle either but a
real shower. It just so happens that Moshe is carrying
"Nu," says Shlomo. "So when are you going to open the umbrella." "It won't do us any good," says Moshe. "It's full of holes." "So why then did you bring it?" says Shlomo." "Because," Moshe says with shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House
fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee
and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official
to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does
some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil "Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and
figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for
materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure,
but leans over to the White House official and whispers:
"$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even
measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?" "$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you
and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to
Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd
better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal*Mart.
Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot
cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes
it to Wal*Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the
slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping at Wal*Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology
was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
Joe hurries back to Wal*Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
Thank you for shopping at Wal*Mart
Police are warning all men who frequent
Clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when
Offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on
The market called "Beer.
The drug is found in liquid form and is
Available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in
Large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and
Bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A
Woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
Simply ask him home for no strings attached sex
Men are rendered helpless against this
Approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to
Sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be
Attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy
Memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with
Just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are
Swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a
Relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough
To entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude
And punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible
To this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the
Please! Forward this warning to every
Male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women
Administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss
The details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
For a video to see how beer works click here