This That And Frog Hair2: White Trash Wed.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

White Trash Wed.

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

(It's Our Government) According to President Bush's most recent physical, he is the most physically fit president in American history. ... He is in the 99th percentile for men from the age of 55-59. Which works out perfect because Dick Cheney's in the 1 percentile -- so together they make 100%
"My Favorite Quote" When You Feel Like You've Reached The End Of Your Rope Tie A Knot......."And Hang On!!! ...Franklin D. Roosevelt..
"Dye It?" This mOrning I waS standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal When suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his penis in 15 years". I, not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such persOnal informatiOn to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I uttered, "Why don't you diet?" Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?

Joe goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his oversexed girlfriend Miss Holly. He confides to the shrink, "Miss Holly will stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky desires and bottomless sexual cravings. What can I do?" The psychiatrist says, "Please tell Miss. Holly I'd like her to make an appointment with me immediately...

Some instruction and advice for the young bride, written by Ruth Smythers, beloved wife of the Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference.
Published in the year of our Lord 1894:
On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all
afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at
8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
affair with my secretary. We had sex all
You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father
of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had
the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
took it home.
I have to show you something you won't believe," he
said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
opening the front door.
Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with
talcum powder.
Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend
you're a statue."
What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the
Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought
one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to
the statue, "have this. I stood
like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody
offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered
a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice
juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's
the guy who
owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let
the poison work."

A Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Texan asked for a whiskey and soda which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the company's Dallas office.
"We operate the same way here in Dallas as you did in Detroit," her boss told her.
"Alright then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so I can get started."
Amy, a blonde Texan girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher. One
morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The
Artificial Insemination Man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he ge ts here, okay?" With that,
the rancher leaves for the pasture.
After a while the Artificial Insemination Man arrives and Amy takes
him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows stalls, and when
she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed, because he originally thought Amy might just be
another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know
this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very
Surprised, the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with obvious disdain, says: "I guess it's
to hang your pants on..."

A Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
Weird Fact :
A cesium atom in an atomic clock that beats over nine billion times a second.

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your
steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that
windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and
asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom,
vroom' noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing
morning tie-ups.
A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood
sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and
went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride
immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so
how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language
-- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful
4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

" Jill, Jill," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay
with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME,

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so
upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words
like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

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