Thursday's Not News
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the driver behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "Pullover!" "No," the woman yelled
back, "It's a scarf!"
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one
of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had
photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it
free. "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a
kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that
it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the
doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the
checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the
coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked
distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven
now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said,
"That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!"
said the checker.
While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a
scheduled appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year
old son with her. My friend suggested she might like to ask her son
to wait for her in the lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no.
I need him to see the doctor today. You see, Johnny is taking voice
lessons. His voice coach says he can have Johnny singing from his
diaphragm in no time, and I figured if that was the case, we'd better
get him one fast before the insurance runs out!"
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright
Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest
Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied).
She picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was
Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on
the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
The young couple had only been lovers for a few weeks, but the guy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Golfing with his buddies."
Weird Fact :
Almost 425,000 hotdogs and buns, 160,000 hamburgers and cheeseburgers were served at Woodstock '99.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
As the leopard said after eating a meal, ?
That really hit the spot.?
Father O'Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the
man sitting next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions.
The priest bought a hot dog, and the vendor handed it to the
talkative man. He passed it along to Father O'Flaherty, who downed it
in one gulp. This was the first time a hot dog had ever gone from the
prying fan into the friar.
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,
but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly,
some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather
than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many
different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby
Franciscan Monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the
casino of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The young
exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Ben Harris been
hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while." The senior exec
replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency
in the sky." "Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding
me, right? What did he have?" "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder
exec. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores,
but nothing much worth going after."
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is
fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and
banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign,
"Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."
"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman
behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a
name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to
this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in
front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go,
'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"