Friday's Early Edition

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




If big-chested women work at Hooters,

Where do one-legged women work?





Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?

John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to
her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would
begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.

Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.

John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.
*************************
It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the
Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire. Suddenly
there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and found a very
bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering. "Thank God you're in," said the
stranger. "I've been walking for hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so
deep. Can I rest here for a while?" "Why certainly," replied the old
man. "Come and sit by the fire." The stranger gratefully accepted the
invitation. As he walked in to the lounge, he saw the old lady, and
beside her an attractive 19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way,"
said the old man. "This is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come
to stay for Christmas." After a glass of whiskey, the old man said,
"Well, it's getting late, and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that
all the beds are taken, but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The
young man said, 'Thank you' and lay down. About an hour later, Walter
was lying in bed, and turned to his wife, and said, "It's a very cold
night. I'll see if that young man would like a blanket." So he went into
the lounge, and asked, "Would you like a blanket, young man?" "Oh no,
Walter I'm fine"Well, what about a hot water bottle?" "No, no, there's
really no need," he replied. "Alright, then, how about having our
eiderdown?" "My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he
gasped. "She's been down twice already."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Real Golfers

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone
rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a
couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing
all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering
the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more
than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife
has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her
care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than
two hours ago. What'd you shoot?




On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an
afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks,
but were unsure of the hotel's policy.

My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was
familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right
if he brought a Playmate to the pool.

After a pause, the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"
~~~~~
A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening
planned for him and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies
but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a
deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their
house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by
in a red hat. A while later the little boy comes running into the house
and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts "Dad, if you think your getting
fucked in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner convention
going past.
*************************
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on
a dead beaver."
*************************
Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a
beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says, I have great sex
with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and
most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I
love it when she screams, 'Faster!' "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one
buddy. But come on and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem
with your sex life?" "The only problem I have..." Moanin' said
dejectedly, "Is when she screams, ....'Deeper!'"




A husband, wife and a son walk into an
ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have
a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have a
vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back
of the head and says, "What do you want,
fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did
you hit him in the back of the head and
call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things
in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice
big truck. And you see that nice big truck
sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a
nice big house. You seen that nice big
house on top of the hill on the edge of
town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a
nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat
head came along!!!
*************************
Genie in a bottle

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if
she
got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a
storybook myth.

I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She
said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries
to
stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and
Americans and vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map
and
exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for
thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five
hundred years..
I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish
and please be reasonable. The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well,
I've never been able to find the right man. You know -one that's considerate and
fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in
bed,
and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh
and said,
"Let me see the f***ing map again."




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
True Tombstone Inscriptions

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It
was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
******************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
******************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sen t him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
***************************




A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a God damn checking account!"

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it." he replies. "I said I want to open a God
damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language
in this bank." Angrily closing her window, the teller rushes over
to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems
to be the problem here?"

"There's no freakin' problem, you shithead!" the man spews, "I
just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open
a God damn checking account in this God damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, ". . . and this bitch is giving you a
hard time?"