START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is
Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international
"Si, that's the one."
"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky."
"Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years
"How did he die?"
"He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains
caught on fire."
"What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and
I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger
Woods Nike Driver."
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
In keeping with the latest round of military budget cuts and
other funding shortfalls affecting the Department of
Defense, changes will be made to the Joint Federal Travel
All military and civilian personnel performing temporary
duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends
while on government business travel. If weather permits,
public areas such as parks should be used as temporary
lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office
lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Employees are encouraged to stop by local commissaries and
post/base exchanges to pick up cardboard boxes, which will
allow them flexibility in lodging accommodations.
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute
minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and
specialty chains, such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General
Nutrition Centers, and occasionally Safeway often provide
free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar
with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources
available at their destinations. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling
together, as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Military personnel are also encouraged to bring their own
food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and
Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the
necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of
these items will not be reimbursed.
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of
commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be
issued to all military personnel prior to their departure on
TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work
schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be
authorized in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in
Washington, D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be
substituted for travel to Washington, D.C.
All military and civilian personnel are encouraged to devise
innovative techniques in an effort to save tax dollars.
Money could be raised during airport layover periods, which
could be used to defray travel expenses. Red caps will be
issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that
they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be
available to personnel so that sales may be made as time
permits. Proceeds must be turned into the military finance
section at the conclusion of the TDY.
Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend the
night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there weren't
The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two
daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms.
Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they were going to
score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of signals so
that each could let the other two know if they were successful. The first
said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell, "Freight train
through bedroom one!" The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through
Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell "Freight train through
bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail train through bedroom
two!" was heard.
Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out, "Handcar
through the attic!"
OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove.... to
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately
threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere
yust for 50 cents." .
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up.
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ... "Yep, dat's
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the
Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The
French woman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached
shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other
two girls used der arms." .
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians
invented the hole in it. .
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with
only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the
first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good
ting ve didn't catch any more." .
A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on
the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner. "Look," he said,
"let's have a game. if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you
can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?" "Ya, dat sounds purty good," said the
Swede. The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't
my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Swede scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks. ...
Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his
cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I
buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven. Okay . . my fadder and mudder had vun child.
It vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?" "Search me,"
said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
--- "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her
nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious,"
said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was
Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth." .
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One
evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached
over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex
relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena...
I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas." .
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to
svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered,
"because vith a clarinet, she can't sing. .
THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed
and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles
from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks Lena. "I donno,
some damn fool wanting to know if da coast was clear..
NORWEGIANS VS IRISHMEN ON THE JOB
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of
telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of
two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with
both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing
poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most
phone poles gets the job. Both teams headed right out. At end of the
shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them
how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but
they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the
Norwegian guys, came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss
asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Ole, the team leader
wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in." The boss
gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"" Yeah,"said Ole,
"but you should see how much they left stickin'out of the ground!
So there's this grocery store and they've got this crazy scheme to keep you
coming back to the store.
You pull into the parking lot and park your car. As soon as you park, two
extremely hot 18 year old girls walk up to your car and start washing it.
You go in to get your groceries and when you come back the girls are washing
your car without clothes.
You get in and try to drive away when they both get in your car. They start
making out and having lesbian sex. Then one of them gets in the back of the
car with you and performs oral sex on you, while the other girl steals your
My wallet was stolen on Tuesday, Wednesday, 2 times on Thursday, today,
probably tomorrow, and most likely again on Sunday.