Click and Comment Monday (don't forget)
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Everyone in the smart night club was amazed by the old
gentleman,obviously pushing seventy, tossing off Manhattans and
cavorting around the dance floor like a twenty year old. Finally,
curiosity got the best of the cigarette girl. "I beg your pardon, sir,"
she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up
like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?" The
old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not all, I'm
afraid," he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
girlfriend--we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her
place about two A.M. We went to bed immediately and I was asleep almost
as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged
my girl. "Why George," she said in surprise, "we did that just fifteen
minutes ago." "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is
beginning to fail me."
A true story.
My Sister-in-law is the chief EMT in a small town in Southern Indiana.
She was on duty one night when there came a call of a "domestic
disturbance". The custom was that an ambulance was dispatched to
accompany all of these calls received by the police. She arrived just
behind the policeman. When they got out of their vehicles, a woman's
voice could be heard screaming from inside the back of the house.
The policeman broke open the front door, and the screaming intensified.
As they ease their way through the house to the master bedroom the
screaming kept getting louder and louder. When they opened the bedroom
door, the first thing they saw as a naked woman, spread eagle on the bed
and tied hand and foot to the four corners of the bed. The lady saw the
policeman and my sister-in-law, and shut up, and then started babbling.
At this point my sister-in-law was the first to see him.
Laying at the foot of the bed, was a naked man, dressed only in a Batman
cape and head piece. He was unconscious and bleeding from a wound above
his left eye. When he was rolled over, he was recognized as the mayor,
and the lady was not his wife. When it was sorted out, they were
participating in some sex role playing. And, when the mayor got up on
the end of the bed, he had been struck in the head by the ceiling fan,
knock unconscious, the lady though he had been killed, and had started
screaming because she did not want to lay there forever.
The mayor begged, pleaded, and ordered that no one talk. But, a few days
later when he stopped in to a local dinner for breakfast, the customers
began humming the Batman theme.
A fellow called the other day and wanted to know if I'd heard the story
about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles
to a neighbouring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy,
about 12 opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked. "No sir he
ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well said the farmer, is
yer ma here?" "No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa." "How
about your brother, Joe, is he here?" "He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take
a message fer pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really
wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my
daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You
would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it
helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the
boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."
At a meeting last week of the Executive Council of an organization to which
I belong, several of the members began a bickering before the start of the
meeting. They were talking and complaining about several of the members not
discussing various information needed by all members and retaining silence
about a variety of important factors. One of the members, a woman, spoke in a
somewhat authoritative voice and said, "I agree with all that has been said
and I think that everyone would be more observant about the needs and interests
of the remainder of the Council Anyone of you can ask me any question and I
will respond telling you the complete truth. One of the men asks her, "What size
bra do you wear?" She glared at him momentarily and in a harshly toned voice
said, "Shut up!!! That's none of your business!! I'll never tell!!"
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous,
and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to
get skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they became an
ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both
in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel.
She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed
by her conical projections. "bisect my angle!" she postulated each time
she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she
implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They
underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the
vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like
logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a
problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was
irrational, not to mention square. They diverged.
She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat
undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he cosined
a loan for his son, Ray.
THE FUNNY THINGS KIDS SAY
RustyAnne taught her children to not fear thunderstorms and
lightning. When David was 4 and Rebekah was 2 she told them when
they see the flash of light it is God taking their pictures. The
next thunderstorm that came along, there they were, side by side at
the window, and every time the lightning flashed, they would smile
really big, for their "pictures!" -- RustyAnne Yakel of Woonsocket,
Katherina was really tired from tidying up the apartment. She
asked her 4-year-old son Timothy to go lie down and rest for a while.
He was really rowdy and didn't want to settle down. Then Katherina
went to lie down. About 10 minutes later, he came to Katherina and
said, "Mommy! My tummy is not tired!" -- Katherina Potter of
Weird Fact of the Day:
Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like a Lady" was written about Vince Neil of Motley Crue.
An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind me. They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem. With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?" The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your mother, she gave me a cookie."
You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know it yet."
The local United Way received nothing from the city's most successful lawyer. Irritated, the administrator phoned him. "We know you do very well, and yet you've not given a dime to this charity." "Do you also know about my mother's exorbitant medical bills?" the lawyer asked. "No I didn't," said the administrator. "Or that my brother is blind and in a wheelchair?" "I-I didn't realize..." "Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her penniless with three children?" "I'm sorry," the solicitor said. "I had no idea!" "Well," said the lawyer, "I don't give money to them. Why should I give you any?"
"Pregnant?" A woman was reading the directions on the side of a box containing a pregnancy test. The clerk was wondering why she was interested in details. After all, either you're pregnant or you're not. What is there to doubt? The clerk went up to her, and said, "Yes, Ma'am. Is there something I can help you with?" The customer looked at the clerk and said, "This is a home pregnancy test. Can you tell me if it will work if I use it at work?"
"Learn to enjoy your own company"You are the one person you can count on living with you "for the rest of your life"--Ann Richards
Weird Fact of the Day:
The CN Tower, in Toronto, is the tallest freestanding structure in the world with a height of about 553 metres.