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The Magic Of Madonna...
Noted physicist, Madonna, has been trying to convince the UK
government to use a magical water to clean up radioactive waste
based on research done by somebody at a Kabbalah center in, where
else, California, which was set up by a notable scholar in nuclear
studies, some insurance salesman. The "researcher" at this center
is described as having "a brain the size of a planet," referring
no doubt to one of the gas giants in the outer solar system. Most
In describing Madonna's phone call to the government, one official
said, "It was like a crank call ... the scientific mechanisms and
principles were just bollocks, basically."
Madonna says her woo woo isn't being taken seriously because of
bureaucracy. Let's hope other countries, like North Korea, take
this notable research more seriously than Western countries and
incorporate its principles into their nuclear programs.
The Australian 21-Aug-06 and The Manchester Evening News 20-Aug-06
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's pretty near perfect."
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the
congregation, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to
He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his
usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down
at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi
orders roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience,
a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately
see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join
him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat.
At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts
the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple,
and look what you get!"
An Argentinean man has been refused treatment for toothache because
his medical records say he's been dead for more than 20 years.
Rafael Tanzanite, 52, was told by a nurse at the Regional Hospital
that he had died in 1980.
He told a news reporter, "I was so shocked, she even showed me my
death certificate, I thought it was a joke until I saw the document.
Mr. Tanzanite said: "The only good thing is that with all this
confusion my toothache went away, because I am not going to get any
treatment until this mess is sorted and they realize I am alive."
The police are investigating how the mix-up happened.
Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one
of them on the foot.
The fisherman screamed, 'An alligator just bit off one of my toes.'
'Which one?' his buddy asked.
'How do I know!' the wounded angler friend said in disgust.
'All alligators look alike to me!'
A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said,
"Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can
"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave, out
A Russian woman is suing weather forecasters for ruining her
out-of-town-trip with incorrect predictions.
Alyona Gabitova told the court that she had been promised
temperatures of 28 degrees and constant sunshine during her weekend
camping trip to a nearby nature park, but instead got wet through
when it did nothing but pour down with rain the entire time.
She added that she had come back from the short trip with a cold and
is now demanding the local weather service refund her travel costs.
The court is yet to make a decision on the woman's claim.
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my
calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found
a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one
was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He
never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
Police in Daytona Beach are investigating the burglary of the
police chief's home over the weekend that happened while he was
giving a lecture on crime prevention.
Police Chief Chet Chitwood was speaking to neighborhood watch
members Friday about working with the police department to prevent
burglaries when his home was targeted.
Chitwood returned home to find the place ransacked and his TV,
stereo, laptop, watch and other items missing.
He said the burglar or burglars jimmied open the side door of his
house and broke his patio doors to haul his stuff out.
In June, when Cook County, Ill., elections supervisor David Orr
questioned the ethics of the family of Cook County Board President
John Stroger (whose illness forced him to resign but not until the
family delayed long enough to discourage potential successors,
so that Stroger's son would have a better chance of winning the
vacated post), a Stroger ally called Orr a "little poop butt."
[Chicago Sun-Times, 7-4-06]
FUNNY THINGS KIDS SAY
While at the dinner table Fisher, 6, informed his mother, father
ans sister, Hunter, that he wants to be on TV and help do the weather
when he grows up. His mother said, "Oh, you want to be a
meteorologist?" With a look of disgust Fisher asked, "A meat eater
ologist??" -- Linda Smith (grandmother of Fisher) of Orland,
Mackenzie, 6, was telling her grandmother about the little bump
on her face. "This is my beauty mark," Mackenzie said. "I have
some, too," her grandmother said. "No," Mackenzie replied, "yours
are wrinkles!" -- Myrle Brown (grandmother of Mackenzie) of Georgia
Almost a Millionaire
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men........
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night.
He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the
front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used
car lot. The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy
and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady.
"And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here
we would get screwed."
The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the
head of the training program for a severe reprimand.
"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss
Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of
"From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll
thank you to push his head down between his OWN legs."
That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been, she said that she had spent the night with her
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister."
Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
"Judi, my love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've
discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jon replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes, we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple
to help out!"
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let
fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get a
cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean, then
they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a package of
Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's
the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the
poisons." --Mike Bullard
"How do people meet their neighbors out in L.A.? I'm from the south
where we had block parties and cook-outs. In L.A. the only time my
wife and I had a chance to socialize was at a crime scene. It's
so bad, now it's like, 'Honey! Did you hear that? Sounded like
gunfire! Hurry up...put your nice clothes on. There are folks
to meet!'" --Bob Oshack