Real White trash for Wednesday

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya' got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO and it cost half a million
dollars!"
"Wow! That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young
dude proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my
Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and suddenly, "WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!" Something whips by him
going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man
asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250
mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph.
"WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!" He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him...... AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy and his Moped, he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten
seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari
is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
the entire rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
"Oh My! Are you alright? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:
"Yeah, sonny,would be so kind as to unhook...my...suspenders...
from...your... side-view.......mirror..."


"The Sermon this Mom will never forget.... "Dear Lord," the minister began,
with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but, at that moment,
my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about
materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if
you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than
gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up
and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife
answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just
see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her
and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've
got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I
could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird
friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?"


Playboy Specialty Issues That Never Made It

- Girls With Gingivitis
- The "Women" of The Crying Game
- The Women of Home Depot
- 1960's Playmates Grown Old and Wrinkled
- The Girls of Rehab
- Constantly Angry Women
- Girls You Wouldn't Date if You Were the
Only Man Alive
- The Women of Circus Sideshows
- Drab, Unsexy Lingerie
- Old Women in Parkas
- Playmates Receiving Oscars
(Special April Fool's Issue)
- Invisible Women
- Girls Who Fell and Can't Get Up
- Women of Wal-Mart
- Women Racked With Self Doubt,
Feelings of Abandonment,
PMS and Inner Torment
- Chain Smoking Ladies
- Girls Gone Psycho
- "Does This Look Infected?" feature issue
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour,
"It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to
your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw
them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'8"?
" Yes,"the neighbor answers, " I believe he was."
" Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
" Yes," the neighbour agrees.
" Then that was the mailman, Jim , " Thorn responds. "He'll screw
anyone!...."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
On my recent trip to a Butlins holiday camp I was surprised to see a
Fire notice in the chalet which read. "In case of Fire leave your
chalet and arouse the person next door". Now I agree to this arousal
thing in theory but I'd like to make one or two comment's.

It's OK if the person next door is female and good looking I'd really
enjoy trying to arouse her, what if the person next door was a bloke.
I'm a straight guy and no way would you catch me trying to arouse a
bloke.

What if you don't fancy the girl or woman next door you wouldn't put
your full dexterity into arousing them would you.

What if there's more than one of them, I'm not nineteen anymore and the
thought of me trying to arouse more than one woman at a time is a bit
beyond my libido these days.

What if she didn't fancy a fat married bloke like me she could get a bit
upset as I rummaged through her nightclothes seeking out her erogenous
zones couldn't she.

What if she was already with some guy he might not like the idea of you
bursting in and trying to arouse his bit of pussy, he may even take
offence and knock shit out of you.

What if she was unclean or a bit smelly I wouldn't fancy doing a 69
with that sort would you.

What if she is nice and you get her aroused by playing with her little
man in his boat what are you supposed to do then, I'll tell you the fire
notice goes on to say.

Having aroused the person next door leave the room and assemble by the
outdoor pool.

Now this is the part Butlins have got wrong if they think I'm going to
spend my time arousing a woman just to assemble by the pool with the
other guests I presume in order to go synchronized swimming they can
think again.

Butlin's must realize that in my efforts to arouse the woman I would
become quite aroused myself and to plunge that arousal in to cold water
would be a criminal waste at my time of life.

So, I've come up with a better idea, let's all assemble by the bouncy
castle instead and carry on where we left off, even I could do pretty
good on a bouncy castle I bet. Have a nice Holiday

Did you smell something burning?

Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local
newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the
'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per
insertion."
"You don't say," said Jill. "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the
advertisement!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

I went into a liquor store the other day without my ID, and the clerk
asked me, "Are you 21?"
At first I was flattered when he asked for an ID. I told him I had not
brought it because I thought I looked over 21. Then he asked me to
smile, so I grinned at him. He stuck his face over the counter, peered
at me closely, and just handed me the bottle.
I asked, "What were you looking at?"
He said, "Your crow's feet."
I asked, "Why didn't you just ask me to pull up my shirt and show you my
sagging breasts?"


Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying
in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises
and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in
sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next
to the bed. He screamed at his wife, "What is going on here? Who did
this to you?"
His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one, Doug, Whenever I try to
smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a
few good inches overnight.

Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
to prove it."

Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans
sink.

Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and
Groom Mounted.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and
She'll last for many years.

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to
the woman next door.

Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

Go for it mate. We all did!

All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.

She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on
her and off her.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an
Off-Spring next Spring.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One
long hard route.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky,
but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express
an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and
frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the
inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the
population.

Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him
off.

Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.