This That And Frog Hair2: White Trash Wednesday

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

White Trash Wednesday

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

In these serious times it is important for all of us, of all faiths, to recognize these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

The Top 5 Pickup Lines Used by MySpace Pervs

5> "My allowance is WAY bigger than that. I can prove it:
I'll leave a plane ticket for you at Heathrow and me *and my
dad* will pick you up at La Guardia tomorrow."

4> "Your parents are just afraid of the superpowers you'll get
if you click on the Tree of Knowledge link."

3> "I just removed MyPants from my friends list to make room
for you."

2> "Well, *I* happen to like Strawberry Shortcake panties.
Ignore those insults."

and's Number 1 Pickup Line Used by MySpace Pervs...

1> "What's a Special-Victims-Unit-detective-pretending-to-be-
a-13-year-old like you doing with a MySpace page like this?"

Rumination of the Day

Shouldn't Maurice Gibb's voice be mixed out of the song
"Stayin' Alive?" If not
as a sign of respect, then at least for the sake of
historical accuracy?

The Top 5 Signs You've Hired a Bad Nanny

5> Instead of shaking the baby, she just puts it in the blender.

4> Asks for your credit card numbers so she can reach you
in case of an emergency.

3> First offense for back-talk? A ten-minute time-out.
Second offense? Sell 'em to the gypsies.

2> "Just look at me as a Mary Poppins with nuts."

and's Number 1 Sign You've Hired a Bad Nanny...

1> She's supercalifragilisticexpiali-wasted.
Rumination of the Day

We had another round of layoffs at work today, but
I wasn't among them. I don't understand why not,
as I've been wearing
a "Pick me! Pick me!" T-shirt for months.

The Top 5 Pet Peeves of Pets

5> Dingoes: "When you snatch a bony, crunchy baby instead of
a plump, juicy one."

4> Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

3> Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls!!!!"

2> Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"

and's Number 1 Pet Peeve of Pets...

1> Guppy: "Every time that hot Angelfish looks this way, I've
got one of those stringy turds hanging."

The Top 5 Sequels to "Snakes on a Plane"

5> "Pee Wee's Big Snake Adventure": Pee Wee Herman Saves the day
when a spitting cobra rears its ugly head in a theater.

4> "Must Love Snakes": A thinly disguised soft porn flick about
a pizza delivery/escort service/pet store operation run by
handsome gigolos. Ron Jeremy portrays all of the snakes.

3> "Snakes in a Skank on a Plane": Britney Spears stars as a
young woman with a unique plan for smuggling rare reptiles.

2> "Asp Good as It Gets": Cantankerous Jack Nicholson's back,
this time grousing about having to keep an eye on his gay
neighbor's pink serpent -- *and* his pet snake!

and's Number 1 Sequel to "Snakes on a Plane"...

1> "Snails on a Train": There's this train, see, in France....
Rumination of the Day
They say a dog is man's best friend
and diamonds are a girl's best friend.
I guess that would explain the
matching diamond-studded dog
collars we got as a wedding gift.

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin
sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to
name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said,
"Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the
names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn
towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter
which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always
faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away,"
suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the
boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when
the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned
how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said
their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship
had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man
walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My
goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than
his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either
of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the
battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was
swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible, horrible fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's or Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty
meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been
seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a
school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up
the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and
elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the
teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth

There was a shoe salesman sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes
in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair
of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties.

He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to
fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!"

Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey, this
shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it
all out!"

"Now go kick his ass!".

The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't
fuckin' with!"

George stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole what seemed an
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his
back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," George
explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Sam had been extremely nervous while his wife was giving
birth to their first child. When the nurse came to the waiting
room, he said, "Quick, tell me! Am I a mother or a father?!"

At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and
yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is
up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number
99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to
charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant
said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."
The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: "Boat
number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't
find her. "I've lost my wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was
necessary. Then I heard a strange man's voice from the next aisle: "Some
people have all the luck."
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

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