Sunday Funnies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




Memphis

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Memfuss."

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Memphis has its own
version of traffic rules...the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next
at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that.
(Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way
anytime.)

3. To find anything in Memphis it is required that you know where
"malfunction junction" is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning
and the end.

4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot.

6. You must know that "I-240" and "I-40" are the same road.

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Memphis. The barrels are moved
around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit
more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes,cats, pieces of other cars,
possum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures
feeding on any of these items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated".

10. The minimum acceptable speed on I-240 is 85 mph. Anything less is
considered downright sissy. This is the Memphis version of NASCAR. If
considered sissy on I-240, do not even consider driving on Bill Morris
Parkway/Nonconnah Parkway/African Autobahn/385, which all happen to be
the same road.

11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone
.....you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped off"
accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city
driving.

14. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

15. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Memphis
residents consider this "demolition derby" day and will be all over the
roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution as you
could be their next target. Also note that the mere possibility of ice
on the road will shut down all schools and most businesses until the
crisis passes. Hell, they'll shut down if it's even humid.

16. The "I-240/I-40 intersections" are considered one of the city's most
exciting amusement attractions. Beware though...it is not for the faint
of heart!

17. Poplar Avenue and Germantown Road convert to parking lots during all
holidays and weekends. Please enter these streets cautiously, find the
nearest parking space and walk to the mall for the quickest access.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment
arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on
himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how
to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but
still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's
Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell
phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It
works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine
will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have
a nice day, now.....
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" "The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, she wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL: Women are evil.
Don't mess with them.



Cat

Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd:

One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives",

You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak
on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again".

Too many times a week your cat comes home after one
in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odour
of catnip about him.

You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your
liquor cabinet.

Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on
your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW"

You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from
"Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling drugs in
the neighbourhood

After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing
up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44
and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There are two polite people having dinner together. On
the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece
of fish.
They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."
"No, you may choose first." And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first," and he takes
the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not
polite!"
The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"
The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL
piece, of course."
The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
During the recent blackout in New York City, my sister's phone at her
ferry company rang nonstop. Many callers asked if the service were
still running.
"How?" asked one. "There's a power failure in New York."
"Don't worry," my sister replied. "Our ferry's plugged into the
New Jersey side."


Weird Fact :
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months,two rats could have over a million descendants.
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck".

I always wondered how this trend got started ~
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Today"

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before
the day ends. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I
am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am
going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or ...

I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can grumble about my health or...

I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or...

I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new
relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or...

I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do
housework or...

I can feel honored because Life has provided shelter
for my mind, body and soul

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped.
And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what
kind of day I will have! Why not make it a GREAT day???
--author unknown


After eight days of backpacking with my wife, Linda, we were
looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball
cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water
buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do
you promise not to charge?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Crime

In February, police in Clifton, N.J., chased Aaron Reynolds, 35, who was
driving a stolen car, into New York City, where Port Authority police
joined the pursuit. After the car was stopped, Reynolds bolted on foot,
ran about two blocks, and came crashing down to the sidewalk because his
low-riding pants slipped down and tripped him. According to police,
Reynolds said he was giving up and asked for a minute to compose
himself. During the lull, he darted off again, but this time barely ran
a few yards before his pants slipped down again and tripped him.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural
Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past
their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of
the road.
The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on
her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she said
distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it
closed in this direction too?"

National Geographic Map Machine
http://plasma.

Sleeping Giants Aviation Afterlife In the Desert
http://www.kodak.

Haunted Places
http://www.theshado

Halloween Ghost Stories
http://www.halloweenghoststories.com/