Saturday! Its Saturday in the Park

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all
afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at
8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
affair with my secretary. We had sex all
afternoon."
You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
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The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby
boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever
seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father
of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my
back?"
The we smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
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The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had
the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
took it home.
I have to show you something you won't believe," he
said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"



I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to
her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.
Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more
like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me
back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonald's.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came
very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty
intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling
me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies
just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both
in line. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you
know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into,
it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the
chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of
leaning my own chair on the opposite wall.

We were connecting and all though! And we did make eye contact
several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught
me staring at her, got that frightened lil' bird look in her eyes and
got up and ran out of the place.

I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down
that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking"
though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.

But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here,
I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120
days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess !


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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us." The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour. The guy damn near exploded." Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God," said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil."
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Weird Fact of the Day:
The first lighthouse built in the USA was in Boston, MA in 1716.



A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his
wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled,
"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied,
"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."


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A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it
was okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that
during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the
second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third
trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

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Once a year the collectors of antique tents in Meinz,
Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers
decided to hold it in Meinz.

Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so
great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs...

The citizens organized themselves in opposition to the rally
so thoroughly that they even wrote an anthem for their cause.
The anthem began with the following line:

"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"
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One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her
grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there
was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It
was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive
her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have
a question."
"What do you want to know?"

"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?"


Oil Change instructions for WOMEN:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Oil Change instructions for MEN:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write check for $50.00

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid enviromental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightenign drain plug and bang knuckles on from removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00

Total -- $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!!

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Weird Fact :
A surfer once sued another surfer for "stealing his wave." The case was thrown out because the court was unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by the surfer watching someone else ride "his" wave.
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I was scheduled to fly from Michigan to Germany, where my husband was
stationed in the military.
As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard
security questions.
"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he
asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her
son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked:
"Does she like you?"