Thursday Morning Mess

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I
tried to make Grandmother' s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just
awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe
right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out
right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George
because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe.
You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and
together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth
of ground beef' ..."


The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 150,000
acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place
The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 250,000
acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place
Big John's Rancho."

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name
is Irving and I own 40 acres."

Roger looks down at him and say, "40 Acres?

What do you raise?"

"Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead,
and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the
executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE! "

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she
escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has
any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and
the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim."

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Lost Contact Lens

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.
After a fruitless search,
he told his mother Sarah the lens was no where to be found.

Undaunted, Sarah went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in
her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."


The teacher had been giving her second-grade students a science lesson.
She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails
and other bits of iron.
-
Now it was question time, and she asked the class, "My name begins with
the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
-
A little boy in the front row, his eyes lit up with the knowledge that
he knew the answer, waved proudly at the teacher and shouted out,
-
"You're a mother!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are
walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet
shop is advertising "Christian Puppies."

Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says,
"Fetch the Bible."

The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and
returns.

Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23."

The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page,
and then stops.

Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog,
having him run through his Psalm 23 routine.

Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular'
commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit."

The dog sits.

He says, "Lie down."

The dog lies down.

He says "Roll over."

The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel."

The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on
the owner's forehead and bows his head

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Former Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had
his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to
have his father visit him recently to watch him play.

In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov,
arranged a special banquet at the renowned local Scandinavian
restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg,
prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne's favorite Finnish dishes.

In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff, Disney and
Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked
up by the Duck goalie.

It was a huge success.

The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was
certainly a dinner worthy of the father, the son and the goalie
host.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


To all teachers

Please put this in a prominent place on your desk so that you may
refer to it throughout the year. Attach it securely, as no copies
will be made available. So that there is no misunderstanding
between thee and me, it is expected that the following rules be
obeyed:

1. Students must leave their homes no later that 7:30 A.M. and
return no earlier that 3:00 P.M. No hanging around the front yards.
Parents have enough to do in the mornings without babysitting your
students.

2. Students may come home for lunch only if they live within thirty

feet of the school.

3. If school is to be dismissed at noon on any given day, notice
must be sent home six months in advance.

4. No student may come home claiming illness unless he a) is
bleeding from both ears, b) has a broken bone protruding from the
skin, c) is unconscious. In such cases, the student may come home
if s/he brings a note from the school nurse testifying that the
child is not faking.

5. Oil paints, India ink, and Magic Markers are strictly prohibited

and if brought into the home, will be confiscated and destroyed. In

the event that said items are smuggled into the home, and are found
by a preschool age sibling, it shall be understood that the teacher
will then be required to report to the home that evening to wash
down the walls, clean the carpet, and explain the whole thing to
Dad.

6. Requests for milk money, hot-lunch money, mission money,
field-trip money, or any other money must be made before the 21st
of the month, as no respectable mother can be expected to come up
with any petty cash after that date.

7. Students who are persuaded to go out for band will be allowed to

practice only in the home of the band instructor.

8. In the interests of peace at home, the following policy will be
strictly adhered to: No PTA meetings, scout banquets, Christmas
programs, graduations, etc., may be scheduled on Monday nights
unless they are first cleared with Howard Cosell.

9. Students are expected to return home from school in reasonably
reputable clothes. Trousers with holes, jackets with rips, and
shoes with irremovable tar will not be tolerated. In the case of
primary students, parents of first and second-graders will be
satisfied if their children just return home in the same clothes
they wore to school.

10. We realize that personality conflicts may occur throughout the
year. However, we must insist that teachers do not request that
their students be assigned to another family. While many parents
would be happy to cooperate with such a request, surveys have shown
that one home is pretty much like another, and students and
teachers will just have to adjust.

If you have any questions concerning this letter, please feel free
to call me anytime before 3:00 P.M. yesterday afternoon
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Jungle
There was this tiger that woke up one morning
and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger).
Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered
a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are
of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and
bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND
STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but
managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by
far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant
who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared
at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF
ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk,
picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again,
and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange
and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the
elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know
the answer, you don't have to get so mad."


Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"

"Cousin," she replied.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~
The Pastor's ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following
headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The nex t day the
paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild. The next day the
headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public
opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even
shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about
everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live
longer!

Don't forget to click the pictures.