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This That And Frog Hair2: Tuesday's Edition

Monday, September 04, 2006

Tuesday's Edition



START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO

David M. Bresnahan

April 1, 2006

NewsWithViews. com

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and
extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist
me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S.
into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I
know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas,
passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they
handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President
Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him
know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all
services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking
teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture
and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on
the top of the flag pole at their school with the
Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both
breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I
can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I
won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does
not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone,
please be sure that all police officers speak
English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put
flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration
on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative
comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without
paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or
tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be
extremely nice and never say a critical word about me,
or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do
all these things for all the people who come to the
U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind
returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him
to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

David M. Bresnahan



Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone
problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and
had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
>From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls
not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she
felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to
change its number.
Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it could not
change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a
number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's
calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas
fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own
hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling
the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa
said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite
with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the
Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a
night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if
the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola
said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she
booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for
Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd
Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she
could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge
came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom
for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if
she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to
take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel
to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet
parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge
for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips
the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper
that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an
executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you
$200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the
telephone number."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start
a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those
initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the
principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the
other students had said a bad word.

"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.

"I can't say it."

"It's okay to tell me; you won't get in trouble for it."

"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."

"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell
me what it is without saying it?"

"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Two desert travelers rented a Camel from Hertz-Rent-a- Camel. Out in the
middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down. The chaps could
not get it to arise no matter what they tried.

They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a Camel
Mechanic when they got to the nearest village.

A few hours later the Mechanic arrived. He looked in the Camel's mouth,
ears, and up its rectum. He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large
rubber headed sledge hammer. He raised this high in the air and brought
it down on the Camel's belly, as hard as he could.

Well, that Camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away as 17

sand dunes. It then struggled to its feet.

"Ah ha!" the Mechanic said. "Just as I thought ... vapor locked!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Drug use, the legal drugs...

Prescription drugs should be kept far out of
reach of children, even if they cry, "Please,
please, may I have my medicine?"

Some people say you should not exceed the
recommended dosage on the bottle. But,
come on, it's medicine-it' s good for you.

Stay away from that Lipitor shit. It's like
hosting a Filipino drag-queen knife fight in
your skull.

If you take medication daily, a useful
accessory is a seven-day pill case, which
helps you keep track of your intake and
serves as a depressing symbol of your
mortality.

If the pharmacist says your prescription
will take 45 minutes to an hour to fill, say
"Oh, no," and fall over dead.

Never mix prescription painkillers with alcohol,
unless you like to party really, really hard.

Most people don't realize how much pharmacists
enjoy haggling over the price of medications.

To reduce the risk of mix-ups at the pharmacy,
bring a bat with a nail in it.

Most pills should not be taken on an empty
stomach. Sprinkle a handful onto a salad.

If your pharmacist doesn't offer to have one
with you right there in the store, the shit's
probably no good.

If you are ever in doubt about the safety of a
particular medication, consult a qualified physician.
He will be happy to pooh-pooh your concerns.


A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about
this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a
large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get
to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their
predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like
this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like
that."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live
alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well
cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a
tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely
flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to
lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush
up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a
while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the
family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window
seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a
physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The
physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get
a coke. "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While
he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and
spat in it. When the physician returned with the coke, the other
attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the
physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other
attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned
and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing,
the physician slipped his feet into his shoe sand knew immediately what
had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting
between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in
shoes and peeing in cokes?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing
the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba,
thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they
ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only
on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta
slow 'em down a bit!"


A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he
observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers,
"Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!"

He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man
and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was
a great lay?"

The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said,
"but I don't want to hurt his feelings."

The recently married bride was perplexed when her husband announced that
he had found a new position.

"What's that, honey?"

"We lie back to back."

"But, what kind if position is that?"

"You'll see. Another couple is joining us."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some
drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I
believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now,
we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A kid had cut open a golf ball and had *eaten* the liquid centre. The
stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's mother
naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product. She frantically
called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the doctor's office
with the apparently poisoned kid, the doctor was rapidly flipping
through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There was no mention of
golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf ball manufacturer and
explained the situation; but they said that their golf balls had a solid
core. "I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer! " the doctor
lamented. The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor
that made balls with liquid centres. Another quick phone call, and the
answer: the centre was made of cod liver oil.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids
into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What the
heck have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my
beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was
to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and
bring them back. He loads them into his van and off he rushes to the
local hospital. He walked up and down the hospital and after some
serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they doing?" The
doctor replies, "Comfortable, sir!"

Springbok

How can you tell when it?s daylight saving time in southern Africa by
looking at a gazelle?
The springbok fall forward.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Squid

Where do impoverished fish go?
To squid row.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Squirrel

Show us a squirrel?s home, and we?ll show you a nutcracker?s suite.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Once upun a time there was a large squirrel family reunion in which
everyone chipped in to gather pinecones for the winter. Non-family
members were also invited and were even afforded the opportunity to
be the first contributors.
Which echoes the New Testament admonition to let those who are
without kin stash the first cone.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him grabs
his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts
crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck
driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between
sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home
but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At
home found my wife in bed with the Mexican gardener. So I came to this
bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life,
and then you show up and drink the damn poison."



One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the
next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into
most of
the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux,
waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near
the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front
yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away
from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.
Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away
from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said,

"Oh yes, that's my husband; I told
him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Magic Math.....

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

"You look sad, Fred, what's the trouble," asked Bill>

"Domestic trouble."

"But you're always bragging that your wife is a pearl," says Bill.

"She really is," replies Fred. It's the mother-of-pearl that's
giving me
trouble!"



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