This That And Frog Hair2: White Trash Wed./Some Tacky Trash

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH....
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother
was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Itish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling eveidence of all
3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMEN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was
no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of
men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because
there was work to do.
AMEN

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS For 2006:
12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That
Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.
10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's
Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You
So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm
Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon
Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're
Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be
Out Of Prison By Now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure
Do Miss Him.
2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
And The Number #1 Country Song Is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women But
I've Sure Woke Up With A Few!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from
miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, ----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist... ......

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center....

Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign
that said, "Cow For Sale...$5,000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world
worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch
just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a
snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000. And here I am, with
you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"in
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly
American beers ... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes
things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile
on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American
beer!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard
on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice:
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in
the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is
expressly forbidden by airline regulations. ..Now put
those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector!"

Fart
About Farts.....]
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget...... .
Sweet old farts like you!

Genuine 911 Call

Woman: I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those
Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down
there [giggle]

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?

Woman: No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do
those exercises I have an orgasm.

Dispatcher: I'm sorry, did you say "orgasm"?

Woman: Yes. Am I doing them right?

Dispatcher: Sounds like it to me.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

An elderly woman, traveling by bus, had a layover during her
journey. She
purchased a package of Oreo cookies from a vending machine in the bus
terminal and located a table. She placed her cookies on the table,
sat
down, and proceeded to read her newspaper.
She was joined by an odd-looking young man with a red mohawk haircut,
who, to her surprise, opened the package of Oreo cookies and began
to eat
them.
The woman, saying nothing, but giving him an icy stare, grabbed a
cookie.
The young man, with a funny look on his face, ate another cookie.
The woman again glared and grabbed another cookie. The young man
finished
the third cookie and offered the last to the woman. Completely
appalled,
she grabbed the cookie and the young man left.
Outraged, the woman threw down her paper only to find to
horror...... her
unopened package of Oreas on the table in front of her.

Barbie

Finally a Barbie you can relate to. At long last, here are some
NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit
more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens
fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her
face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie! 's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these
new,roomier- sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-
MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores
with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and
lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is
really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken, Jr. ! ; Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and
cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house,
Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with
the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance
steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with
a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she
sneezes, forgets where she! puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and
tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the
channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the
book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
You Should Always Remember:
When operating a computer, whatever happens, behave as though you
meant for it to happen.
When you reach the point where you really understand your computer,
it's probably obsolete.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human, it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but not
necessarily what you intended it to do