Today's Assortment

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Aphorisms That Ring True

1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give
the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved
in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus
controls
the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.-- Psychology
professor in neuropsychology intro course

4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the
radio stations in Chicago...we' re one of them."

6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still
there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as
progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound
in
the correct screw.

9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"

10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and
years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the
worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry

11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum

14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark
Twain

15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for
the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of
their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend
their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick
Times (Limerick, Ireland)

18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or
how tragic your defeats---approxima tely one billion Chinese couldn't care
less.

20. 668:and 667 ... The Neighbors of the Beast

21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
traps. --
Emo Phillips

22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination
to do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's
Samoan Attorney

26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman
in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics
or
the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of
another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with
being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being
told that I am! -- Monty Python

29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. --
George Carlin

30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. --
Ashleigh Brilliant

34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way.

37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman

38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your
principles or your mistress."

39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson

40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless
we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley

41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya
Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A
language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a
very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth,
1967

43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit. --
In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of
preventive maintenance

44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their
own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by
their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
supports
us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I
don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest
grade the University will allow me to award."

48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean)
number of legs. -- E. Grebenik

49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

50. Don't worry about temptation-- as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac

51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. --
Plutarch

53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." --
Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. --
Salvador Dali

55. What a distressing lack contrast there is between the radiant
intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog


When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow
mushrooms in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Jake
wanted all the profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some
poisonous varieties in his partner's section. When. Abe found out, he
had Jake arrested. Although the charge of attempted murder was
dismissed for lack of evidence, the court did find Jake guilty of
corrupting the morels of a miner. (Phoebe Weiss)
One day, at the local prison, The Warden called a meeting with the
Doctor and the Cook. They went over the medical records of each
prisoner and then also, the Cook's menu. The reason, the Warden later
explained, was to make sure that the prisoners didn't eat anything
which might make them "break-out."

A man goes to his therapist to have a dream interpreted. He tells the
doctor that he was dreaming of eating a big meal. A seven course
meal. He started with the soup and was going to move on to the salad
next. As he finished his soup and put his spoon down the bowl
refilled itself by magic. He again finished the soup and again the
bowl refilled itself. Everytime he finished the soup and tried to
move on to the salad he could not. He asked his doctor what the
hidden meaning was. The doctor's reply, "It only proves that you
can't change courses in the middle of a dream."

A radio announcer was introducing a record, "This next one is for
Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's
a ripe old age, isn't it?" There was a short pause and then the DJ
said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte
Burke, who is ill."
#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#~~#
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to
her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic
expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why
people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I
am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked
for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn
it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae
that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of
the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without
you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my
resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next
couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do
it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every
password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I
am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when
you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's
birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and
kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct
your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess
with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all
that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,



Spider

This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as
soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and
they all laugh.the man says:

"Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"

The man making fun repies "I'd like to see that!!"

"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the
floor and the spider easilly picks it up.

"That's nothing!!"

"But there's more, now the spider sill pick up a table" and the spider
easilly picks up the table.

The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now,
gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits
on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks
up the bar!!!

The men, a little impressed ask "what else can it do??" so the man says
"Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it
couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar untill there's like 40
guys on it.

The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air
of determination. suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on
the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of
pussies, scared of a little spider!!!!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on
the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she
somehow slipped sideways and did the splits and suctioned herself to the
floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody
suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast
girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba." (his mate)

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.

"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time
for that mate."

"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
You Know You're An Old Catholic If:

You still think the secret problem of priests
is alcoholism.

You remember when Nuns wore habits.

You think "No meat on Fridays" has nothing
to do with oral sex.

You remember the days of alter boys instead
of altered boys.

You think "Mother Superior" is more than a
term of hooker endearment.

You think the primacy of Peter had nothing
to do Lorena Bobbit.

You answer "yes" to both: "Does a bear eat
in the woods?," and "Is the Pope Italian?"

You remember the days when confessions
did not start out with: "You have the right to
remain silent."

You remember when a red sash around a
priest's waist did not mean he was gay.

You think a man dressed in black was not
a member of the SWAT team.

You remember when kneelers were in
church, not in the Oval Office.

You remember when Cardinals were
birds of pray, not prey.

You remember when Holy Water was
not from golden showers.

You remember the days before Bingo
was made a sacrament.

You remember when "Love one another"
did not mean "Orgy Time!"

You remember when Amazing Grace was
not the name of every tenth stripper.

You remember when "Father" was a
religious title, not the results of a court-ordered
DNA test.

You remember when "Mother" was also a
religious title, not the first name of really bad
people .

You remember when I could get out of this
joke by saying three "Hail Mary's."


Boy Scout

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across
the table from Buffalo, in a fancy restaurant. She
smiled as Buffalo finished proposing to her. "I'm not
sure, let me think about it." she answered.

Buffalo was crushed but kept his composure. After
dinner they went to her place. The mood was romantic
and Buffalo was eager to make love to Lisa. She
stopped him and said "Before we get married or even
make love, I want you to buy me something"

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace,
diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned Buffalo asked, "But why? I can buy you
anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy
Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."
Buffalo searched high and low but couldn't find the knife. Desperate,
he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening,
he again suggested they make love. Again she said she
couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife. With
a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She carefully opened
it and saw the knife.

They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large
hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife
inside, but not before Buffalo saw the contents of the hope chest. It
was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.

"What's this? The whole thing is filled with gold knifes?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and
said, "Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will
start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then?
But, can you imagine what a Boy Scout would do for one of these
knifes?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#~
This old man in his nineties got up and was putting on his coat. His
wife said "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said "Why, are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said "Where are you going?"

She said "I'm going to the doctor

He said "Why?"

She said "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again,
I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

WINTER POEM
.....try to memorize this poem by next December.... .

" WINTER "

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

"SHIT, it's cold!"



Bill,
By now I'm sure that you have heard about the Detroit Lions defensive
coach that was stopped for driving nude. The rest of the story, as Paul
Harvey might say, is that he was trying to pass himself off as a stripper in
a gay bar because he was too ashamed to admit to anyone that he was part of
the Lions organization.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
No

Alternative ways to say no :

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild
dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of
his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while
being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine.. .and piss on a
forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle...
in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with
your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then
find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with
inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the
NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5
pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter... .and not
a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and
then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished
taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a
dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short
stick.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake. .. in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set
both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter
knife.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog
a mile.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the
daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of
the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my
penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had
just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then
jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

l would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with
my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping
turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to
Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with
a rusty spoon.