START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
Italian bread thing but me."
Amy was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into.
Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine
by using the power button. She phoned for computer help and mentioned the
power strip to tech support.
The tech told her to flip it off.
Amy said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what do I do?"
Mel Kaplan, a high school English teacher in New York, was grading test
essays written by his students.
On one student exam essay Kaplan wrote, "I am giving you a D because
'fuckyou' should be spelled as two words; and 'ass hole', as one word
One day a convenience store worker was
sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the
doors swing open and a duck walks in.
"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.
"No we don't got any duck food."
"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and
The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food?" he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed, "No! We don't
have any duck food!"
"Fine." the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open and the duck walks in and asks, "Got
any duck food?"
By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No"
he yells, "We don't have any duck food! We
didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any
today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if
you come in here again and ask if we have and
duck food, I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open and the duck walks in:
"Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No, we don't got nails."
"Well then," the duck says, "Got any duck food?"
WATCH WHAT YOU EAT
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red
wine and suffer fewer attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
sausages and suffer fewer attacks than Americans
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you .
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a horse
with him to add to the starting lineup.
The coach asks, "Why on earth did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat.
At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home
plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep into the
The horse just stands there and does not move.
The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back,
"Are you kidding? If he could run, he'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he
saw me walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart
attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone
except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just
stood there waiting for him to give her the rest
of the phone number."
SUCH A SON-IN-LAW?
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"
The old Jew still doesn't answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but i really want to
know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't
know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to
Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home.
You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will
both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would
I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
"Collective Nouns For Doctors"
A Spread of Gynecologists
A Buttload of Proctologists
A Supporting Cast of Orthopedists
A Hive of Allergists
A Press of Dental Hygienists
A Carvery of Surgeons
A Golf-cart of Private-physicians
A Growth of Oncologists
A Vision of Optometrists
An Insanity of Psychologists
My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before
filling his gas tank. Finally, his car died on him, and we had to push it to
the nearest filling station.
After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he'd learned
"Yeah," my friend muttered.
"I've learned I have a 15-gallon tank!"
THE FUNNY THINGS KIDS SAY
After Debbie's grandmother's funeral, the ladies of the church
had a luncheon for the family members. Debbie's mom was helping
Sarah, 9, fill her plate. When they got to the cinnamom roles,
Debbie's mom told Sarah that they were wonderful. They had been
made from scratch. Sarah replied, "No thank you, Grandma, we don't
eat scratch at my house!" -- Debbie of Liberty, Missouri. (Sarah is
now 23 and loves to hear the story.)
JoAnne is a widow. Her son Brian, 10, asked what she wanted for
her birthday. Without even thinking, she said, "A boyfriend or you
know a guy friend to hang around with us." Without batting an eye
Brian replied, "Mom, I only have two days - I don't think that.s
enough time to get you one!" -- JoAnne of New Jersey
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
"The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into
serious financial troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been
opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers
from the congregation who would be willing to sell the
bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately
needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer
for the task.
The pastor knew that Jack and Paul earned their living
as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some
bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a
local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he
was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage
Louis, the pastor decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their
cars stacked with
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the pastor
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make
out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied,
"Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and
here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The pastor said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for
the Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,
"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of
the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The pastor responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You
are truly a professional salesman and the church is also
indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the pastor turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie
silently offered him a large envelope.
He opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" he
exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said
in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have
sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the pastor agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know
f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter
interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you
said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy
th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like
m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left
by those who got there first.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
"The Most Venomous Snake In The World"
Throughout the world
Varying from pink to black.
Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size
varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its
mood and subspecies.
This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower
front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous
bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by
excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is
not usually fatal. However, it has been known to
attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may
result in an incurable disease and possible death.
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been
known to appear in the most unusual places.
Various types of vaccine available for women.
However, once the venom is injected into the
body, only drastic measures will ensure complete
recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom
is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND:
This would be completely unnecessary and
ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a
few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND:
This method is the most popular with the
victim, but so far has not been reported
to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the
neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards
and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly
aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process
depends entirely on the milker and the last
time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless
for about 20 minutes.
This snake, although it is very aggressive
and active, is not necessarily a vermin and
treated with the right respect, makes a