Sunday Morning Late Edition
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Did you hear about the frog who hung a flag on a tadpole?
Did you hear about the overweight jungle animal with a long snout?
It decided to tapir off its eating.
Did you hear about the termites who invited themselves to dinner?
They ate a family out of house and home.
What kind of life do termites lead?
Q.What are three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it
instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed
the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner
cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see
what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing,
golf, and sex."
A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please
hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to
get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless
man, "you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks,
and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you
want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and Then said, "I want
to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced
him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were
the one who invented The Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't
run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said,
"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few
words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said
to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours."
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly
American beers ... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile
on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American
Weird Fact :
President Theodore Roosevelt was the first to announce to the world that Maxwell House coffee is "Good to the last drop."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As
he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburg er, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact chan ge out of his
pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with
everything I say."
Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the
zoo one day for an outing.
They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they
were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell
what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just
throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing
peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,
"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the
I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and
questions to my son.
When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey
nodded and whispered in his ear.
Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me.
Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.
Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual
food-drug interaction my son must have.
When he saw my puzzled _expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read:
"Do not take with broccoli."
This is priceless.
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time! ).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she
must not have one!
John and Bob were two of the bitterest golf rivals at the club. Neither
man trusted the others arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated
match and watching each other like hawks.
After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the
scorecard, John asked Bob, what,d you have? Bob went through the motions
of mentally counting up. Six!" he said and then hastily corrected
himself. No-a five."
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!"
"Eight?" Bob said, "I could'nt have had eight."
John said, "nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five. But actually
you had seven."
"Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.
John told him, "one stroke penalty,'for improving your LIE'."
A mother who had just put her little boy to bed was heard
to say as she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall.
"This is one more day when I worked from son-up to son-down.
As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I have many colleagues
who work long hours. However, the reputation of one of my partners'
workaholic ways even extended beyond the office. He not only had to
leave work early one day because of a medical problem, but he was also
told by his doctor to stay home until the end of the week. My colleague
grudgingly agree to comply. In the middle of the week, our receptionist
received a call for him. She announced that the partner was out of the
office until Friday. "Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to
know." It was my partner's doctor.
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the
street from the old established hair cutters' place. They
put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX
SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had
been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built
a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small
barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just
generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat,
productive farm. Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and
marvelled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and
God have done together." "Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda
seen the place when God ran it on his own."
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls
into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees
that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her
baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your
brother from Maryland came in and named them." The woman thinks to
herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I
like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties
of various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this
glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No sir," one student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver
won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because if it would, you
wouldn't have dropped it in!"
I had moved to South Carolina from New York, and at that time a
vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous;
my car was in rough shape.
I thought of New York State's rigorous
inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be
expensive to fix. I drove down a country road in South Carolina
and found a garage that had an inspection sign.
When I told the mechanic what I needed,
he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then
he attached a new inspection sticker and asked me for the three-dollar fee.
I was shocked. "Is that all you have to do?" I asked.
He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you?"
Morris and Murray old gambling friends meeting on the street for the
first time in several weeks and one asked the other, "Morris,
where you been? Haven't seen you around for weeks."
"I've been to Africa with my son. While I was there, I
taught some of them Africans to play poker."
"Nah, I beat them 4 out of five times."
Morris has a business appointment, and he arrives a
little early. The receptionist points to a
comfortable easy chair, and asks him to be seated for
a short while. Morris settles down, picks up a glossy
magazine from the glass-topped table, opens it, and
tries to read.
However, he finds that he cannot
concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus
coming from behind one of the doors leading off the
reception area. Morris goes over to the receptionist
and asks: "What's going on in there?"
She replies: "It's a partners' meeting."
"But why are they shouting at each other?" Morris asks.
"It's a battle of wits," she replies.
Morris asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers:
"Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval
Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line
service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side
of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the
animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The
Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that was a line
service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft,
conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls,
and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck
ops. He's well worth the money."
With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey
in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more
What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.
She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all
corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of
maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey
indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything
but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but
his papers say he's a pilot."
Most outstanding sex records of all time
Judging upon the work of Doctor Jacobus, which was published in 1935,
the largest erected human penis was 30 centimeters long. The smallest
penis in the world is only one centimeter long. There is an illness, at
which a man does not have a penis at all - the illness is called
T.H. van de Helde says that male testicles do not vary much in size.
However, there is a parasite worm, which blocks lymphatic vessels and
causes a very big scrotum tumor. Men of certain African and Indonesian
tribes proudly demonstrate such swollen testicles as a symbol of their
When Egyptian conquered Libya, they took possession of 13,320 penises of
their defeated enemy. The hideous event took place in the 13th century
W.F. Benedict wrote in the book "The Sexual Anatomy of Women" that a
14-year-old girl's breasts weighed 6.3 kilograms. The book also contains
the description of the breasts of a 30-year-old woman - hers weighed
Swiss biologist Albrecht von Haller said that he once saw a clitoris,
which was 30.5 centimeters long.
The largest buttocks, up to one meter in diameter, can be observed with
females from several African tribes, the Hottentotten tribe.
Scotch resident Anna Swan (1846-1888) used to be the proud owner of the
longest vagina in the world - 2 meters 30 centimeters.
The largest penis of a mammal belongs to the African elephant - it is up
to two meters long.
The longest spermatozoon is owned by Drosophila Bifurca insect. Its
spermatozoon is six centimeters long, which is 20 times as longer as the
body of the insect.
Egyptian Sundevall mouse has about a hundred of copulations per hour.
The longest sexual intercourse was performed by a couple of rattlesnakes
(Crotalus L.) that were making love for 23 hours and 15 minutes.
Mosquitoes copulate with each other for just three seconds.
Pigs may experience a 30-minute long orgasm.
Mountainous salamander Hynobius nigrescen's pregnancy varies depending
on the height, at which the animal lives. Its pregnancy may last for
more than three years at the height of 1,400 meters above the sea level.
The Guinness Book of World Records says that the male of East-Australian
mouse Antechinus Stuartii leads the most dangerous sex life. Every year
these mice arrange a massive copulation, when the entire male population
of the species copulates with numerous females. Males try to eat several
possible rivals too. As a result, injuries, hunger, infections and
ulcers kill the entire male population of Antechinus stuartii in just
Porn star John Dough could satisfy 55 women a day.
Woman named as Houston shocked the entire civilized world with the orgy
in 1999, during which she slept with 620 men in ten hours.
Doctor Vernon Coleman registered the longest sexual intercourse, which
lasted for 15 hours. The record was set by movie star Mae West and her
lover, known only as Ted.
The largest sex orgy took place in the year 200 B.C. in Rome, when about
7,000 people abandoned themselves to their love passions.
Captain Cook visited the Kingdom of Tonga in 1777, as he was traveling
on the islands in the Pacific Ocean. Cook met King Fatafehi Paulah, who
told the captain that only the king had a right to deflower all local
girls. The 80-year-old king said that he had sex with eight or ten
virgins on daily basis. Therefore, the tribal king deflowered over
37,000 local girls throughout his life.
Kenny Mccoughty delivered seven babies at once on 19 November, 1997 to
her husband Bobbie. They became the happy parents with the largest
number of babies born in one birth.
Lina Medina from Peru became the youngest mother at the age of five,
when she delivered a baby boy in 1936. Doctors had to perform a Cesarean
Englishman Sean Stewart became the youngest father in 1998 at the age of
Woman named as Arceli Keh was aged 63, when she delivered a daughter,
Czanthia, in 1996.
Miner Les Colley (1898 - 1998) became the oldest father, when the man
was 93 years old.