Friday's Follies Offending the Easily Offended
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
You are a Coloradoan if ...........
1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.
2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.
5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.
6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.
7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.
11. You know all 4 season s "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards.
12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.
13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.
14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.
16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.
17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.
18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.
19. April showers bring May blizzards.
20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.
21. You know what a 'Chinook' is.
22. You know what a ' Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.
23. You know what a "fourteener" is.
24. But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.
25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.
26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.
27. You know who Alfred Packer was and what he did.
28. You know who Baby Doe Tabor was.
29. SPF 90 sunscreen is not out of the question.
30. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.
31. Having a Senator named Nighthorse didn't seem strange.
32. Thunder has set off your car alarm.
33. A full moon has never kept you awake at night.
34. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.
35. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.
36. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
37. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!
38. You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.
39. You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.
40. You know where the real "South Park" is.
41. You can recognize the lice states on sight.
42. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.'
43. You've 'checked for ticks.
44. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.
45. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........
46. You've played golf in January and.......
47. They were in the same year!
48. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is.
49. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans.
50. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.
51. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your Colorado friends.
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a
while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three
possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later,
she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time
he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation,
but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's
still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors
office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in
some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time
they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young
wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy
and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what
was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that
bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy
for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two
standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather
than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your
There were two Indians and a white fellow walking along together in the
desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up
this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the
cave..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until
he heard the answer... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his
clothes and ran in to the cave. The white fellow was puzzled and asked
the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or
something. "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us
Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took
off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. The white guy
(a blonde?) started running around the desert looking for a cave to find
these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he
looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was
thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones
that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in
this cave!" Well, he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his
hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered,
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard
the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!! ! Off came
his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the headlines read, "A NAKED MAN RAN
OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!"
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a
discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across
the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the
floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it' s so sanitary
that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning.
"Not while I'm eating!"
"What grounds do you think you have?" asked the attorney whom the woman
was consulting about a divorce. "My husband keeps bringing his work home
with him night after night!" exclaimed the client. "But that's hardly
grounds for divorce," smiled the attorney. "Why, I do that myself."
"Sure, I can see a man doing it if he's a lawyer," snapped the woman,
"but my husband's a pimp."
George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit
and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough,
and, after a while, George called off the jump because of high winds. As
the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually
smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. "How come you could
take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?"
asked George. "Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped
out of planes. We've never actually landed before."
For those of you who may not be aware of the recent controversy
in North America that has to do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a
radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to
her radio show.
Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura"
television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism,
and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah. Recently, she has made some
statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-
hate laws to censure her.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to
share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone
tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply
remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
specific biblical laws and how to best follow them. Specifically:
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is
my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I
morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly
forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn
them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14).
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am
confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
Teacher: Bob, I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Bob: I hope you didn't either.
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the
future with cards?" His response was, "My mother can." The teacher
replied, "Really?" The young boy was quick to explain, " Yes, she takes
one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father