Not News & Laughs

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

A 51 year old company director was relaxing at home one evening
while his wife was in the kitchen preparing their supper a fine
six pound pike that her husband had caught six hours earlier on a
fishing trip. Suddenly, he heard his wife scream. He ran into the
kitchen and found her crying and trying to staunch a wound on her
arm. The pike had bitten her as she lifted it up to clean it.

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An American soldier was accidentally shot through the head while
serving in the army. Surgeons removed the bullet but could not sew
up the hole in his brow. The unfortunate man lived for many years
with this hole, through which he could blow out cigarette smoke.

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In the 1930's a Canadian angler fishing in one of the many
Canadian lakes was delighted when he landed an extraordinarily
large Pike. He duly despatched it with his heavy stick and laid it
down on the bank besides his shotgun. Unfortunately, the fish was
not properly dead. It began to thrash about and its tail caught
on the trigger. The gun went off sending the angler to the happy
hunting ground in the sky.

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Customer: "I would like to buy a game for my kid."
Salesman: "Sure madam, come with me."
Customer: "Are these on floppy disks? The boxes are too light."
Salesman: "Well madam, games are not being released on diskettes
any more. They are being released on CDs."
Customer: "CDs"?
Salesman: "Well, do you know the CDs with music"?
Customer: "Yes"?
Salesman: "Same thing, only it contains a PC game, and we use it in
the PC, in the cdrom drive. Do you have a cdrom drive in your PC"?
Customer: "Well, I am not sure. Can I buy it and copy it on a
floppy disk and use it from there"?
Salesman: "Well no madam, that's not possible."
Customer: "Why"?
Salesman: "It cannot fit in a single floppy disk. It's too
small. The game is made to run from the CD and not from the
floppy anyway."
Customer: "Well, I can use many floppy disks."
Salesman: "I told you madam, even if you copy it in the disks, it
won't work. And anyway you would need many disks to do that. Around
400."
Customer: "I think I have 400 disks in my home. How much does the
game cost"?

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Mary: So I said to him, "You want me just for my body, don't you?
Jill: Well, what did he have to say for himself?

Mary: He said, "Let me sleep on it!"

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George Carlin's New Rules

New Rule for women with tattoos: Just because your tattoo
has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef
with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
You're just high.

New Rule for competitive eaters: Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes
at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait...they' re already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule for candy makers: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule for brides to be: No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and
having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white people version of looting.

New Rule for posh restaurants: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
to be there, or just some freak with
a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want
to wash my
hands.

New Rule for young mothers: When I ask how old your toddler is,
I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.

New Rule for AOL: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for
25 years...you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of the football team is doing these days:
mowing my lawn.

New Rule for the Arizona Republic: Stop saying that teenage boys
who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule for bored young men : If you need to shave and you
still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid,
the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
they're pictures of men.

New Rule for all women : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.

New Rule for soft drink manufacturers: There's no such thing
as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule for the pharmaceutical industry: Stop f***ing with old
people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And
by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.

Woman Orders Bears Out of Her Kitchen
By Associated Press, Fri Sep 1, 0:32 AM
VAIL, Colo. - A 72-year-old woman making pot roast in her kitchen
discovered uninvited guests in her home Thursday: a bear and
her cub.
The unidentified woman walked into the kitchen and found the bear
standing six feet away, apparently surprising it, Vail police
Sgt. Dan Torgerson said. The bear hissed at her and swatted her
chest and arm, giving her some minor scratches. The woman then
scared it off by yelling and clapping her hands.

Torgerson said the bear hissed again and then left through a
side door.

"If the bear was trying to hurt her, it very easily could have,"
he said. "I think it was just surprised."

The woman then found a cub in her house and she pushed it out the
door, Torgerson said.

That bear and cub are believed to be the same ones that entered
another home and ate food off the kitchen counter. The owners
refused to let wildlife officials set traps for bears in their
homes.

No trash had been left outside at either home but a trash can was
found outside on another street and it had apparently been rummaged
through by a bear. That resident was cited.

Randy Hampton, a spokesman for the Colorado Division of Wildlife,
said the bear has learned how to get food from humans and has
taught its cub. If captured, he said the bear would be euthanized
and its cub euthanized or relocated.

Encounters between humans and bears are more common as bears feed
to prepare for hibernation during the winter. Right now bears spend
about 20 hours a day eating about 20,000 calories _ the equivalent
of nearly 20 Big Mac meals.
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The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From
Montreal, Canada, comes the story of Bozo Marianne Reiser who was
arrested and charged with assault of her husband. It was her method
that gets her into the bozo hall of fame. It seems her victim is
allergic to peanuts and breaks out in a rash whenever he comes
incontact with them. Bozo wife decided the easiest way to get rid
of him would be to smear peanut butter over his face while he was
sleeping. The husband escaped injury when he woke up and took his
allergy medicine--right after calling police.

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A Lancaster driver returned to his car one day and found that
the lock had frozen. Being a non-smoker he had neither matches
nor lighter to defrost it, so he went down on his hands and knees
and breathed on it hoping that his warm breath would do the trick,
it didn't. Instead he became stuck to the lock for twenty minutes!



Rumination of the Day
Perhaps when toasting my bride
at our wedding reception, I shouldn't have
mentioned how
glad I was to have "weathered
my Internet-dating skank-a-thon"
long enough to meet her.
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My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he
announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander.
We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable
about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion
meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed
and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns."
Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.

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In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical
jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.
One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed
because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl
issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What
exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

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Bill had a disturbing discussion with his wife this morning.
He said that men like Brad Pitt and George Clooney are a dime
a dozen.
His wife handed him a nickel and said "Get me six of them."
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In the doctors office two patients are talking.
"You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left
a sponge in me by mistake."
"A sponge!" exclaims the other. "And do you feel much pain"
"No pain at all," says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"
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A woman in China's Inner Mongolia region crashed
her car while giving her dog a driving lesson.
The woman said her dog "was fond of crouching on the
steering wheel and often watched her drive."
She thought she would let the dog have go at steering
while she operated the accelerator and brake. They
didn't make it far before crashing into an oncoming car.

The Top 5 Problems With Teaching a Dog to Drive

5> Whenever Rover picks up the keys you find yourself leaping
off the couch and yelping excitedly.

4> Green means "Go." Red means "Stop." Cat means "Accelerate. "

3> He keeps trying to lick the car's ball joints.

2> *Always* falls for the fake lane change.

and Topfive.com' s Number 1 Problem With Teaching a Dog to Drive...

1> Insists on air fresheners that smell like dog ass.





Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third had married a Georgia girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

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"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize that you were in love with me?"
"Well, I suppose..." whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were lousy in bed"



TOILETS
Heres some brilliant poetry that you may find on toilet walls. Read on..
budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote,
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come
here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space.......
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Singapore Fire Department wants you.
Ministry of Environment advertisement.


On the inside of toilet doors:

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

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Q. How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
A. Her ankles swell when she farts.
**********
A woman goes to the Doctors with a very embarrassing
disfigurement. "Will you promise not to laugh?" she asks the Doc.
"I promise," says the Doctor.
She takes her blouse off and exposes one large ample breast right in the middle of her chest. The Doc burst into fits of laughter.
"I KNEW you'd laugh, I just knew it!" cried the woman, so she lifted her arm and pissed on him.
***********
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."



Don't forget to check the pictures