Sunday Funnies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all


Weird Fact :
A squash ball moving at 150 kilometers per hour has the same impact of a .22 bullet.
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Swan

What is a bird?s economic guideline?
Toucan live as cheap as swan.
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Swine

Did you hear that pig farmers are now concerned that mad cow disease
may be transmitted to pigs?
They are worried about the daze of swine neurosis.
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Swordfish

Why did the swordfish go to the psychiatrist?
Because he had a duel personality.
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Tornado season is upon us again, so here is a glossary of tornado terms
you may want to familiarize yourself with:

Fujita Scale: Scale used to measure wind speeds of a
tornado and their severity.

F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your
house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick.
People enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.

F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless of course
you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to
blow your house into your car.

F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the
other side of town.

F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can
turn a bus into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.

F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front
porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last
sight.

Meteorologist:
A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather
strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.v.:
"GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
Storm Chaser:
Meteorologist- rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really
cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution
every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do.

Tranquilizer:
What you have to give any dog or cat, who lived through a
previous tornado, every time it storms, or they tear your
whole house up freaking out.

Moore, Oklahoma:
A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to meet
there and do a little partying before stretching out across the rest
of the Midwest

Bathtub:
Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado, mostly
because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly
wash off and come out looking great!

Severe Weather Radio:
A handy device that sends out messages from the National
Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting
because the high pitched, shrill noise it uses as an alarm
sounds suspiciously just like a tornado.

Tornado Siren:
A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful,
unless there's a storm or a tornado.

Storm Cellar:
A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100% safe,
though weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are
homes to rats and snakes.

May-June:
Tourist season, when people who are tired of bungee jumping and diving
out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a tornado. These people
usually end as Storm Chasers.

Barometric Pressure:
Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot of
pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as
their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital while dodging
tornadoes.

Cars:
The worst place on earth to be during a tornado, ( except for mobile
home ). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car...
Unless your towing a moblie home.

A Ditch:
Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself
without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically
the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it
can lift a 20 ton truck and up root a three hundred year old
tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in a car.


Toad

What happened to the illegally parked amphibians?
They got toad away.
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What do you call Native Americans? pet amphibians that sit one on top
of another?
A toadem pole.
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Tortoise

Did we tell you about our favorite biology teacher?
She tortoise a real lesson.
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Toucan

Did you hear about the two brightly colored birds that got married?
They decided that toucan live as cheaply as one


When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I
buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing
about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do
that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar
with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever
comes first."
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
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Q. What's the difference between your boss and the bus?
A. Sometimes you miss the bus.
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Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per
hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed and burned BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me
to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined the
damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!! DAMN WOMEN
DRIVERS!!!!! !!!!!!!!


A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An
anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the
old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?" The old man
replied, "I guess." "Is she a good Christian woman?" "I don't know for
sure," the old man answered. "Does she have lots of money?" asked the
pastor. "I doubt it." "Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher
asked. "She can drive at night," the old man said.
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A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate
appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling
near the corner of its mouth, so I told him to bring the animal over.
When the man came in with his pet, the vet examined the dog as the man
stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the doctor turned to him and
asked,"Do you have any children?" "Oh, good grief, is it contagious?"
the man gasped. "No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."

My aunt owns a large, green and red, very talkative parrot. Each evening
at sunset he becomes more and more vocal, screaming and swearing. When
the din can be tolerated no longer, a large cloth is draped over the
cage. The silence that follows is immediate and complete. This
disciplinary measure, however, is short-lived. The hearts of the family
never fail to melt, when, some ten minutes later, the cloth begins to
tremble ever so slightly and a small pleading voice is heard calling
repeatedly, "Help me, help me, help me."

In the Hong Kong South China Morning Post: "1964 red car for sale. $200.
Excellent rearview mirror and glove compartment. Only six dents. Oh, all
right, then--$120."

While meditating in the country, a poet noticed a farmer looking at him
curiously. "Ah," said the poet, "perhaps you, too, have seen the
golden-red fingers of dawn speeding across the eastern sky, the
red-stained sulfureous islets floating in a lake of wine in the West,
the ragged clouds at midnight, blotting out the shuddering moon?" "No,"
replied the farmer, "not lately. I've been on the wagon for more than a
year."

"In New York City," notes comedian Jay Leno, " they're handing out
condoms to high-school students. Gee, I thought it was a big day when i
got my class ring!"
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A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. Open the
safe! he yells at the girl behind the counter.

But we're not a real bank replies the girl. This is a sperm bank, we
don't hold money.

Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!

She obliges and opens the safe door. Take one of the bottles and drink
it! But it's full of sperm the girl replies nervously.

Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prys off the cap and gulps
it down. Take out another one and drink it too he demands. The girl
drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her
husband..... .. Not that damn difficult, is it he says.
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Sarah goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a Hamentashen on her right iner thigh just below her
bikini
line. She also wants him to put "Happy Purim" under the Hamentashen. So the
guy does it and it comes out looking really good.

Sarah then instructs him to put a Matzo tattoo with "Happy Pesach" up on
her left thigh.
So the tattoo artist does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the
woman is
getting dressed to leave, he asks "If you don't mind, could you tell me why
you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs??

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that t
here's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach!"



The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I
go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above
da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love
with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of
her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure
ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole
lady,
I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the
curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling!"
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A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down
BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow
night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave
my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I
hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of
cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you
came home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that.
The cream had been churned into butter."
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The Polack was getting friendly with the woman at the bar. She rubbed up
against him and, to her surprise, she felt something thick and rock
hard. She invited him back to her place and took him into the bedroom.
But when he pulled off his pants, she was shocked to see a foot long
length of steel pipe between his legs. "How did you get that?" she
demanded.
The Polack said, " A couple of months ago I noticed my prick was
dripping."
She asked, " So you went to a doctor?"
"The doctor was too expensive. So I called a plumber."
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The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce and
Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today. Joyce said that
her husband filled out his shorts so well that they hired him to model
Jockey shorts." Her husband said, "So?"
Then Mary said "her husband go so long and hard that they hired him to
model condoms."
"I hope you stood up for me," he said.
"I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model, too."
"Thank you." "
"If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."
The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees,
eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding
night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfill me sexual expectations, " the bride commented
the following morning.
You're right about that." replied the new husband. "But when I promised
to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it would be so
blooming large!"