Saturday's Not the News Edition.

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all


As always click banners and pictures for extra fun

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There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust. Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then." So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have s*x with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

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Weird Fact :
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.


During World War II, a mechanic was making a routine test flight with
a bomber that accidentally drifted off course and over enemy
territory. The plane was shot down and the mechanic taken prisoner.
Not knowing his area of expertise, the prison camp leader placed him
in charge of the chickens. Every day he would collect scraps of metal
and wood and, eventually, he constructed an engine and a pair of
wings. One morning when the officers called roll they found he had
attached the wings and engine to the chicken shed and had flown the
coop.
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Eva Peron hired a couple of American chefs, Tina Smith and Marge
Jones, known well for their American southern cuisine, fried chicken,
chicken fried steak, etc. After several months of their employment,
Eva noticed that her clothing wasn't fitting as well as it once did.
She went to her doctor, who told her that it was all of the deep-
fried food she had been consuming, and that she'd gained 20 pounds.
Furious, she went back to her mansion, strode in to the kitchen, and
burst out singing: "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina."
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Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say
that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters
and they had to police the area. I launched into a tirade, arguing
that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous
post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something
trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained,
"Kathy, Dirty Magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been
properly cleaned."
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Weird Fact :
In Czechoslovakia, there is a church that has a chandelier made out of human bones.


A man had finally got around to taking all his run down and broken
umbrellas to the repair shop. Next morning on his way to his office,
when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly took hold of
the umbrella belonging to the woman beside him, for he was in the habit
of always carrying one.

The woman cried "Stop! Thief!", grabbed her umbrella back and
embarrassed the poor man no end!

That same day, he stopped at the repair shop, and received all eight of
his umbrellas duly repaired and restored.. As he entered the street car,
with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to
behold, glaring at him, the lady of his morning's misadventure. Her
voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:

"Had a good day, didn't you!"
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A cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because his police reports
are incomprehensible due to his poor spelling.

"How can you expect anyone to understand your reports! File one more
report with any, and I do mean *ANY*, words misspelled and you are
going 'on report!' " bellows the captain.

The cop vows to be more careful and not make any more errors. He's in
his patrol car the following day when a traffic accident report comes
over his two-way radio. Arriving at the scene, he discovers a gruesome
head-on collision. Taking out his notebook, he begins to write, being
very careful to spell each word correctly.

One, O-N-E. Chevy, C-H-E-V-Y. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.

One, O-N-E. Honda, H-O-N-D-A. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.

"I'm doing great," the cop says to himself, as he walks with confidence
to the middle of the highway, where he finds a decapitated head.

One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-U-L-L... B-O-L...
B-L-U...

Frustrated, the cop looks around, and with no one in sight..... kicks
the head with his boot, and writes...... . In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.
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Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10 ton truck and landed
up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit
him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three
times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the
bedside."
"What does she read?"
"My life insurance policy."


A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for
researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with
his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder.
The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says,
"I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and
louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The
guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries
out, "Hey man, he's not our regular DRUMMER!!"
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Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven
pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my
new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she
read, "Weight---nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to
this point, could contain himself no longer. "How bout that!" he
exclaimed happily. "It's 36% more baby for my money!"
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A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check like he
always does. He marches right up to the desk, sits down and says, "Hi. You
know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd
really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the Desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the
long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her
overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

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Golf

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend
of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he
goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is
only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round
and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his
room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
"Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls:
$3,000.00." He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?
Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three
thousand for three golf balls?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine
print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I
could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a
thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I
was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there
they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!

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The nut that just keeps on.

Clown of the Year