START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon
by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food,
or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really
good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the
case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as
comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct
the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets
good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire
for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed
at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show
you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible;
often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus
the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of ffort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.
I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before
the main feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and
asked to be excused and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck
always gives him Disneyspells.
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you
check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the
man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor,"
says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm
desperate!" "Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your
arm is broke!"
Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get
them to cook faster
an udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk
bawlroom - a hospital nursery
Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student
chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment
cinemuck - popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of
fobia - the fear of misspelled words
genderplex - trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which
restroom to use
giraffiti - vandalous spray-painting really high up
lullabouy - an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents
you from drifting off to sleep
mallennium - a thousand years of shopping
Planned Parrothood - charitable foundation whose purpose is domestic
breeding of macaws and cockatoos
sarchasm - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it
snackmosphere - the 95% air inside bags of potato chips
Snack Trek - the peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of
constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something
new will have materialized
weelief - the feeling one gets upon spotting a rest stop on the
A 32-year-old Muslim woman wielding a machete was arrested Sunday
outside the White House. At first she was not under suspicion,
because she only had a machete and not a bottle of hair gel and
sports drinks. (Jake Novak)
NASA has misplaced the original video clip of Niel Armstrong taking
his first step on the moon. Until it turns up, they're using an
old Michael Jackson clip. (Bob Miller)
Good news. President Bush had his physical last week, and passed
his physical. No word on the mental. But the doctors say he's okay,
but he might want to go on a diet, because his Body-Mass Index has
jumped to 26. On the bright side, his Body-Mass Index now matches
his approval rating. (David Letterman)
A federal judge held that Bush's warrantless surveillance program
is unconstitutional. He may continue, however, to use the FBI,
the CIA and the Secret Service to keep track of Barb and Jenna
while bar- hopping. (Bob Miller)
A federal judge has ruled that most insurance companies will
not have to compensate victims of Hurricane Katrina for flood
damage. The White House is hoping the same judge will rule that
it didn't have to do anything about the storm either. (Jake Novak)
Santa Barbara declared Monday it will provide subsidized housing
for anybody making less than one hundred and sixty thousand dollars
a year. The median home price there is about a million dollars. The
winos in Santa Barbara all live on Skid Drive. (Argus Hamilton)
The army has given a thumbs down to a proposed military theme park
in Virginia. Part of the plans for a military theme park made it
easy to get in, however there was just no exit plan. (Jim Barach)
A judge says personal items seized from Unabomber Ted Kaczynski's
cabin can be sold online. Buyers are being told to have them mailed
at their own risk. (Jim Barach)
Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet kinkajou. She was taken to the
emergency room and was given a tetanus shot. As was the kinkajou.
Paris Hilton is auctioning her bed for charity. So far the leading
bidder is the Center for Disease Control. (Alex Kaseberg)
Porn Star Mary Carey announced she is going to run again against
Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor of California. It was a little
embarrassing, when they asked Carey about her constituency, she
said; "The penicillin cleared it right up." (Alex Kaseberg)
Porn Star Jenna Jameson will be an announcer in the Super Bowl
halftime pay-per-view Lingerie Bowl. Finally, something in football
that sucks more than the Houston Texans. (Alex Kaseberg)
You have reached the answering machine of Joan and George. I have
been programmed to notify you when they are available to take
If you would like to be notified by e-mail, press 1 and leave your
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If you have an answering service, press 3 and leave the answering
service number including area code.
If you have none of these means of reaching, you can send a self
addressed and stamped envelope to Joan and George, Post Office Box
20194, Los Angeles CA 90020, and we will send you a time table of
the times they are available to accept your call.
Please leave a message.
Your call is important to us.
Is a ladies' quintet a broadband? (Joseph Harris)
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When
brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the
punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't
know... reelection to the Senate? " (Emo Phillips)
The Function Junction
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were
continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They
both wanted to get skewed. The day their lines first intersected,
they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous
function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they
were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his
perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections.
"Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local
maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the
amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple
rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex,
the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept
like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that
was a problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized
that she was irrational, not to mention square. They diverged.
She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is
somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating
because he cosined a loan for his son, Ray.
There was an ancient religious order who only practiced their rites
in natural surroundings, never in buildings. Their favorite site
was a clearing deep in a dark forest where they could celebrate
their mass undisturbed.
A young member of the order wanted badly to become a priest and was
given the opportunity to "try out", so to speak by demonstrating
his knowledge of their mass by officiating.
Not wanting to take a chance of forgetting the words, he copied
all the words onto a scroll, dug a pit beneath one of the trees in
the clearing where the demonstration was to take place and secretly
buried the scroll there well in advance of the appointed time.
He was, of course, nervous when the time came and part way through
the rite, he could not remember the words. Unfortunately, he had
also forgotten under which tree he had buried the scroll and he
was not able to find it and complete the rite.
He flunked the test because he couldn't tell his mass from a scroll
in the ground!
A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing
a group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety
techniques. They answered all of her questions easily until she
posed this one: "Which article of clothing would you remove last if
you were catapulted from a boat or dock fully clothed?" Everyone
mentioned something different. It was evident that no one knew
the correct answer, so the instructor helped out. "The blouse,"
she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a
buoy!" The subsequent uproar ended the class.
A guy with a huge dick has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl.
When they see the size of his pecker they make their excuses and
leave. So he thinks of a cunning plan, meets a hooker and asks her,
"Do you mind if we do it my way?" "What way is that?" she asks. "Oh,
I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies. "Is that all?
No problem, let's go to my place," she answers. They walk the short
distance to her apartment. Whilst taking off their clothes he puts
the blindfold on her. "Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she
asks. "Because of my religion" he answers. "What religion is that?"
she asks. "I'm an agnostic," he says, getting on top of her. "Hmmm,
an agnostic. I've heard of those. You're one of those people who
doesn't believe in J E S U S C H R I S T!"
President Bush had a special meeting in the Oval Office today with
Katrina survivor Rockey Vaccarella of Meraux, Louisiana. Before
today, Mr. Bush had not known any of the storm's victims were white
Bill Clinton turned 60 years old. He is now a sexegenarian. Some
things never change. (Jim Barach)
59-years ago, Jimmy Carter, the humble peanut farmer turned genuine,
compassionate joke of a president unleashed a danger on the world --
his son Jack. Cuz now, Jack Carter, is now on the Democratic Primary
in Nevada. Shame on you Nevada voters. If you put him in office,
he's going to take you back to the Carter years and in Nevada,
that means 'hooker rationing.' Do you really want to wait in those
long lines again? (Stephen Colbert)
Scott Peterson's family has posted a $250,000 reward for the
"real killer" of his wife. Unfortunately, Scott is still behind
bars so he can't scour local golf courses like O.J. (Jim Barach)
The FDA has approved a spray that kills viruses on hot dogs and
cold cuts. How fat are we that we'll use a spray disinfectant just
so we can eat bad meat? (Jim Barach)
A Japanese tanker in the Indian Ocean spilled 4,500 tons of oil.
Experts from leading refineries have been rushed to the scene to
examine whether or not they can raise prices. (Alan Ray)