START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
I have started linking blogs and stories to pictures. I don't have a clue if anyone ever checks the pics for thier link or not. Hopefully I have not offended anyone by doing this. My blog is generally about humor. With a few rants tossed in for good measure. I have linked perma-links to most pictures here. After the way the U.N. has sucked up to certian terrorists I encourage everyone to take 30 seconds and say a prayer today for our troops, leaders or just be thankful. As always enjoy.
An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching
the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and
begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if
he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so.
The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has
also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged,
pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus
company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of
the Rabbi. When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and
says, "You can come in now."
The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone.
The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves
or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good
Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver
gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"
The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached,
people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I
finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore
to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me
$96.00. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end
of the semester.
"You'll get 24.00," said the clerk.
"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.
"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought
that a person who buys a book for $96.00 and then sells it back for
$24.00 should fail the course."
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once
again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But
don't shove me either."
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to
rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake,
that's one less test I have to take."
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my
mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take
care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank
you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why
he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and
said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he
emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then
said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help
you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me
not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams. He asked her about what he should do next.
His mother had an idea:
"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your
place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week
later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things
"Oh, mom, the evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why.......didn' t she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over alright..... ....but she refused to cook..."
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice
on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the
caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot
recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just
some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but
she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a
car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and
walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was.
This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched
the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming
that I should never touch her personal property, then accused
me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night
she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I
decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view
of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at
that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a
small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between
the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you
think I should take it back to the dealer
Why couldn?t the turkey eat any more?
Because it was stuffed.
Did you hear about the young turkey who was on his way to the big
city for the first time? A fellow passenger offered him some advice:
?You?ll be all right as long as you don?t lose your head.?
Why did the bandleader save the drumsticks from thirty-eight turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.
Why did the man quit smoking cold turkey?
Because the feathers made him cough.
THE FUNNY THINGS KIDS SAY
Jacob was lining up in the hall with his kindergarten class.
His teacher, Mrs. Blackburn, told the students it was very important
to be quiet. Then she asked the children, "Do you know why it's
important to be quiet?" Jacob raised his hand and then stated
confidently: "Because if we aren't quiet, Mr. Lewis (the principal)
will fire you!" -- told by Johnnie Alexander, Jacob's grandmother, of
Antioch, Tennessee and submitted by Dennis Smith of Oak Ridge, North
Kemma's granddaughter was in the seventh grade when she won a
first place ribbon in a scholastic league writing contest. With
great excitement she told Kemma about it. When there was finally a
break in the conversation Kemma asked her what she had written on.
Her reply? "Paper!" -- Kemma Nolan of Snyder Texas
Mackenzie, 6, went to kindergarten last year. On the first day
of first grade she came home and told her mother that she didn't like
it and she wanted to stay home. She was sent to school the next day
anyway. When she came home she told her mother she had packed up to
come home but her teacher wouldn't let her leave.
A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County
Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation,
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is,"
explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a . . . .?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily."I'm a Mom."
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation. 'Housewife' covers it,"
said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
same situation... .this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was
obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high
like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar". "What is your
occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know? The words
simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up
as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly,
emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my
pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you
do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself
reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't),
in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors
I'm working for my Masters! , (the whole darned family), and
already have four credits, (all daughters).Of course, the job is one of
the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?),
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is
more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are
more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as
she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new
career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby),
in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I
felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official
records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than
"just another Mom."
Motherhood . . ..What a glorious career! Especially when there's
a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the
field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants."
Please send this to another Mom, Grandmother, Aunt, and other
friends you know. May your troubles be less, your blessings more, and
nothing but happiness come through your door! I hope all of you
"Research Associates" enjoy!!
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When
she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was
sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've
never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please
tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said,
"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet,
you would drop dead."
A farmer and his hired hand were eating breakfast at a local
diner. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, and that
stopping for meals wasted time, the farmer told the hired hand that he
might as well go ahead and eat his dinner here, too.
The hired man didn't say a word, but gladly filled his plate a
second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile, the farmer said, "You
know, we've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your
supper now, too."
Again, the hired man didn't respond, but refilled his plate a
third time and continued eating.
Finally, after finishing his third plate of food, the hired man
pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes. "Hey, what are
doing?" the farmer asked.
The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."