START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Tony, the Italian milk man, had a door to door delivery service. A lady
called down from her apartment, "Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk."
"What apartment, lady?"
She said, "4 Q."
Tony said, "4 Q too, lady!"
One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She
gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting
with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A" Little
Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him.
Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the
simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The teacher was afraid to
let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement.
"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.
"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.
"Excellent " said the teacher.
She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she
will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she
"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the
flowers", Mary replies.
"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".
Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and
decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks.
"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too".
"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for
once he wasn't out of line.
Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who screws the
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating
habits "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax.
What will happen to her?" Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise
190, 000, 000 years ago, at the beginning of the Jurassic period,
cave children loved to hop onto the back of a friendly Stegosaurus,
whose distinctive high-arched body reached twenty feet. One day, to
his parents' horror, a toddler leaped off a precipice, oblivious to
the fact that, seconds before, the great beast below had lumbered
off. "Poor kid," said his father, shaking his head, "he hasn't got a
Steg to land on."
A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the
resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in radio back in
Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first
thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and
Radio Announcers). He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had
problems with the English language, being a new resident. In order to
keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took
up barbering. Soon, he became a very good barber, giving haircuts,
stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an artist with the straight
razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in
giving shaves. Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?"
said the dad."You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now
that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one
of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be
some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned
one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked
up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going
you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After
a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like
you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You
mean it shows that, too?"
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Play Kosher Millionaire
You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't
Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire - You Should Only
Live So Long." You have three lifelines to help you,
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.
Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your
Mother will give you her opinion.
Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station
that crashed and burned on re-entry?
A. Oy Veys Mir
Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?
A. All right, everybody get in the car.
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for
A. Oil of Oy Vey.
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for
A. Debbila Does Windows
Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman
who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?
A. "The Plaintiff."
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his
A. "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus
A. When it graduates from medical school.
Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands
soft and nails long and beautiful?
Q. Define "Genius."
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman
is about to have an orgasm?
A. She puts down her nail file.
Q. When should a Moyel retire?
A. When he can't cut it anymore.
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would
A. A fur coat.
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish
Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?
A. The accent.
Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to
watch the squirrels climb the tree. One day while Little Johnny was
sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's
He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little
girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same
thing again. As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do
that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he
had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all
he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he
finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
"Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were starring in it!"
John pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute.
After two hours of exhausting great sex he says:
'Now you won't see me for a while'.
The prostitute regrets to see a good customer leave and asks: 'Are you
too busy next week to pay me a visit?'. 'No sweety, that's not what I
mean. Please turn around...'
Jim plays golf down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The course was built right
next to a cemetery. One of the greens is right next to the fence that
separates the golf course from the cemetery. One afternoon, Jim was
playing with a well-known loudmouth and they came up to that green.
Loudmouth had about a 50 foot putt to sink. He took out his putter and
whacked the ball towards the hole. It so just happens on the other side
of the fence there was a funeral in process. Jim says, "Honest to God,
that putt *almost* made it in about the time the pastor across the fence
got done with the service. Loudmouth shouts -- loud enough for the
funeral to hear -- 'Get in that damn hole, motherfucker! '"
A few years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with CRS - Can't Remember Shit.
Yesterday, he gave me the bad news that I now have the more advanced
stage of the disease - CRAFT -Can't Remember A Fucking Thing !
Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing
at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know that
she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times having sex, she was
screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed
to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out, he stopped into
the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and
felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool. After a couple of
minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not