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This That And Frog Hair2: No News Today

Saturday, September 23, 2006

No News Today


START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town
to buy supplies. While loading up his pickup, he
spotted one of the girls who worked at the bord-
ello watching him.
"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate
these days?" "Hundred bucks," she replied.
"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you
women," he exclaimed with disgust.
"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the
grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

************ ***

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of
day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of
coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his
coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers
having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the
container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for
his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being
before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As
she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream
are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes
and creamer packets in her bosom because both her
hands are full. After she has served the two
plates she was holding, she returns to the man and
asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your
coffee?"
The man says, "Two would be fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes
and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" She asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "I
don't think so!"


Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping center and found this
beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$70,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
"Does anyone know whose phone this is???"




A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow,
asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough
to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know. No
male has lived that long yet."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!



Top Ten Signs You're A Slut.....

. You become a K-Y spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...
....just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 6969.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink.
.When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on themoon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have
accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a
job prerequisite for managerial skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me,
unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and
cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received
last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for
the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not
only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the
street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was
only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on
your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time
she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a
corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker.
Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping
stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass
motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Students were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life," by
Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His
professor had a sense of humor and gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica ... ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary ... basically the same thing.


According to "Men's Health" magazine, 71% of men feel their dog
understands them at some telepathic level. That's because men and dogs
have the same interests ~~> eat, sleep, play ball, and hump. --Jay Leno

************ ***
The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after
several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired
to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he
said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of
everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make
love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all
from?"

************ ***
At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he
was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made
copies & left them in the secretaries desks. The boss said "Hell, he's
the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising! "
His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."
************ ***
As the tour bus passed through a small Australian
town a passenger noticed a sheep tied to a lamp
post.

He asked the driver what that was all about. "Oh",
the driver replied, "that's the recreation center."

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