START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Poor old rooster!
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by, He grabs his shotgun and - " BOOM " - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS.
I AM NOT YET AN OLD TIMER THOUGH :-)
Four women were driving across the country together. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas, and Mexico. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling Potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho and I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from Her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired and excited to join in, the gal from Texas opened the car Door and pushed the Mexican out.
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When they built the old five-and-ten in our town, the "notions"
counter (old-fashioned term for buttons, threads, etc.), way in the
back, got only a modest number of customers. After a new manager was
hired, he switched counters around and put the notions counter just
before the makeup counter. Customers on their way to buy lipsticks
and rouges would often stop and pick up a card of buttons or a length
of rickrack. "Brilliant," enthused the district manager. "But how did
you come to think of it?" "Easy," the new hire replied, "I'm counter
Seems that two men were overnight guests in a country home that was
so old-fashioned that it enjoyed neither electricity nor indoor
plumbing. When one of the two, feeling the call of Nature, woke up
in the middle of the night, he tried to feel his way in the pitch
dark toward the chamber pot which the host had thoughtfully provided.
Alas, he kicked the pot against the metal bedstead, making a
esounding 'clang' in the still night. Alarmed, his room mate awakened
instantly and cried, "What was that?" "Oh," replied the other, "that
was just a bit of chamber music; a knocked urn."
An impressionable New England college girl fell in love, and dropped
out of school to live with her young man. She wrote her parents that
she had ... put the heart before the course. What had attracted her
to this romantic youth was his smoldering dark gaze, and his deep
blue irises. At first she was very happy, happier than she had ever
been in her life. Within six months, however, he abandoned her and
left her heartbroken, proving that she loved not Wellesley but two eyes
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend
to focus too much on sports. One night last week, one of my students
called me at home, When my wife informed the kid that I wasn't home,
he became frantic and said he had to speak to me right away. My wife
told him, "Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he
gets home. What's your number?" The flustered kid replied, "Three
One Saturday I was running errands for my wife. I had gone to Wal-Mart and was standing in line waiting to buy a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever. A woman behind me looking at the bag, asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he
accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........ "How vas I suppose to pick dem up?
A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm,
caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live
without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is
to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she
doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out
exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them
horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below
her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the
first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to
put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks maybe the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your crotch before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here"
I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I
was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-
old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He
said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to
them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic."Here
is the situation," she said."A man is standing up in a boat in the
middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and
begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion,
knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she
ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica."Grandpa, do you
mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In
fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What
happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam
broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the
foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out
safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"