Thursday's Early Edition
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
How many are watching "Survivor Apartheid" -- I mean "Cook Islands"?
As you know, this season on "Survivor," the teams are divided
by race. The teams are white, black, Hispanic and Asian. And the
director, the producer and the writers are Jewish.
Here's my question: If Michael Jackson was on "Survivor," what
team would he be on?
Actually, the next edition of "Survivor" is going to be a really
controversial one -- "Muslims Vs. Christians, Baghdad Island."
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...
Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where 17 year old
bozo Adam Brown broke into the home of a 76 year old woman. Our
bozo demanded the woman's car keys and after getting them headed
for the garage. A few moments later he returned to the house to
ask her how to use the garage door opener. Not getting it to work
the first time, our bozo returned a second time to get further
instructions on just how to get that door open. The bozo finally
succeeded and was on his way...almost. The car was a standard
transmission and the bozo had never driven a standard before. He
came back into the house a third time to ask the woman how to get
the car into gear. By this time the police had been called and
our bozo was arrested as he tried to pull out of the driveway.
"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable
sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her
quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would
keep her faithful."
"Did it work ?" asked the friend.
"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel
like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."
Have you seen these commercials for Whitman's new Weight
Watcher's chocolates? They are chocolates for people trying to
lose weight. Chocolates for people trying to lose weight? Didn't
those used to be called laxatives? Aren't they just Ex-Lax?
I will go down on you and make you extremely happy.
But only long enough to make you think it is going to get better.
Then I will come back up and screw you like no other!!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! '
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast
when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent
a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have
to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on
which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's
no wonder He walked!"
A woman contracted with a celebrated portrait painter to
have her portrait done. When she arrived at his studio, she
told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a
large diamond necklace, a glimmering emerald bracelet, and
a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But, madam, I do not see you wearing any of these things."
"I know," she said, "But my health is failing and I'm aware
my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm positive he's going to marry her, and I want
the silly bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
According to a new book called "Men, Love and Sex," 50% of women
want their men to take control in bed. The other 50% want their
men to put down the remote control in bed.
According to a new survey by Zogby International, 70% of men say
that breast implants are not sexy. Sure! Guys are going to Hooters
for the food! Those little chicken wings are so delicious!
They've come out with a new Tickle Me Elmo Doll that lies on its
back and kicks its legs in the air. Don't confuse this with the
Paris Hilton Doll. That's totally different!
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Coleman for passing along today's
story. From Santa Rosa, California comes the story of Bozo Lloyd
Jacobsen who was burglarizing a house when he was surprised by the
home's owner. As our bozo tried to make his getaway, the homeowner
yelled for him to stop. When he didn't, she grabbed his sweatshirt
and proceeded to call out for help. Our bozo quickly slipped out
of the sweatshirt and headed for the door. The homeowner then
grabbed his sweatpants and held on tight. The pants eventually
came off, too, along with his shoes. The now naked bozo then ran
to his bicycle (quite a getaway vehicle, huh?) and jumped on,
pedaling furiously down the street. In the meantime, the cops
received a call of a crazy naked guy riding a bicycle down a city
street. Officers were dispatched and spotted a bicycle leaning up
against a tree. And up in the tree was our naked bozo. The police
helped him down and arrested him.
After a long and serious operation, Cassy ended up in a coma. Try
as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it.
When her husband Bill came into the intensive care unit to see her,
the doctors gave him the bad news. "We just can't wake her. It
doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Bill in a quiet
Bill looked at Cassy and with a soft trembling voice said, "But
doctor, she's so young. She's only 43."
"35," came the weak reply from Cassy.
World Best Divorce Letter
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But
that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I
never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to
me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my
pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I
don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I
don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see,
but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I
met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't
say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that
only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and
an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as
I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at
the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in
bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart
than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm
never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after
I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found
myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but
something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so
incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because
you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing
feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday
Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan
of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a
woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's
not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total
monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like
a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her
career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden,
she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' s old vanity. So
she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch
ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I
can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the
floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never
used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about
you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back
together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot
bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this
teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think
of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing,
that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness
between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting
inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of
you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you
think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away
and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.