Redneck Friday

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

{Liberal Think Tank.}

@>`~~~~>,~~
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing
what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling
later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering
his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the
best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me
splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next
day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.
When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his
dilemma to Gepetto.

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually,
he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth"
out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously
thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed
that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple
weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the
hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying
all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked,
"So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls,
eh?"

Pinocchio replied: "Girls? Who needs girls?!?!?!? !?!?!?"
@>`~~~~>,~~
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home
and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She
also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a
night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy
went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to
soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to
the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would
like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves
it."

Mr. and Mrs. Jones come before the judge for their divorce
hearing. The judge says,
"What are the grounds?"
Mrs. Jones says,
"Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then
forced me to sing, "The Way We Were", while he peed all over me."
The judge says,
"My God, that's horrible."
She says,
"Yeah, he KNOWS how much I hate that fuckin' song!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's
new secretaries.
"I just don't get it" said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on
upstairs.
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor
he's getting off on."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A detective on the force who spent his entire career in plain clothes,
retired from the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the
farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why did you decide on carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, .
"I'm very fond of undercover crops."
@>`~~~~>,~~~--
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh, any luck killing any?" she asked.
"Yep.... 3 males, and 2 females so far," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "Now how the heck can you tell which were which?"
He responded, "3 were on a tv remote, 2 were on the phone."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our
insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote:
"Can't stand to cook."



"A friend of mine has a car phone and he has an answering machine for it. The message is, 'Hi, I'm home right now, so I can't come to the phone. If you leave your name and number, I'll call you when I'm out'" - Steven Wright

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

@>`~~~~>,~~
These three guys (two younger and one older) always go golfing together every Sunday morning. They're just about to get up on the tee when the club pro walks up and tells them that there's a woman who is golfing by herself and he asks if they would mind if she played along with them. They thought about it and reluctantly said "Sure, no problem." They were hoping the woman wouldn't slow up their game but once they start playing they soon realize that she is a hell of a golfer. Better, in fact, than each of them. Not only that, she's extremely attractive as well. They get to the 18th tee and she is one under par. They are all on the green and she has a 20 footer for par. She tells the three men, "You guys have been gentlemen through the whole round by letting me play and not giving me a hard time because I'm the only woman. This is the first time I'll ever break par and to show my appreciation, whichever one of you can show me the right line to make this putt, I'll give you a blow job." The first young guy looks real hard and says, "I think it's left edge." The second young guy looks even harder and says, "No, I think it's right edge." The older guy walks over and picks up the ball, tosses it to the woman and says, "It's a gimmie."


Weird Fact of the Day:
Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.
@>`~~~~>,~~
A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a
friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his
fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed
earlier in the church, as she came through the door.

His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the
bar from him.

He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After
pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned
body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she
wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get
to, like, know each other better."

She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm
afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric
aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation. "

He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of
embarassed silence, he finally admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!"

"Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving
him standing there in puzzlement.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Little Johnny went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His
teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or
her name.
When she got to Johnny he said, "My name is Little Johnny, but they call
me 'Bonnie' and that pisses me off."
Sensing some anger she said to Little Johnny, "This is kindergarten
Johnny, we don't talk like that." Then she went around and asked
everyone his or her address.
When she got to Little Johnny he said, "I live on Third Street but they
call it 'Terd Street' and that really pisses me off."
She said, "Little Johnny I want you to meet me after class at my desk."
"Yes ma'am." Little Johnny said. So he meets her at the desk.
The teacher says, "You seem like a smart little boy can you tell me what
this means?" Then she pulls up her dress.
He says, "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too
little and that really pisses me off."


A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he noticed a
gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the
bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender
replied, "I can't. The C.P. would be on my ass."

"What's the C.P.?"

"City Police."

The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he
asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink,
but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would
shut me down."

"What's the S.P.?"

"State Police."

Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar.
The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered
back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.

"The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned.

"What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked.

"A Fucking Big Indian!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The SETTING : Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion.
The FINALISTS :
* Miss America
* Miss Spain
* Miss Britain
* Miss Philippines
* Miss Iran
* Miss India

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. AMERICA:Well, I would say that male organs in America are like
gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA:Because it stands every-time it sees a woman.....
(Applause!.. .. Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own
bullfight. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN :Because it charges every-time it sees an opening.
(Applause!.. . Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in
your
country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean
actors.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause!.. . Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....
(Applause!.. . Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a
labourer. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA: Because it works day and night....
(Applause!.. Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in
your
country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, of course, hihihihi...I can say that
male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its like, ahh like...it means
GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say
that?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy... nervous!!! Hihihihihi! Because...I
mean...because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!)
@>`~~~~>,~~
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN..... .

A goldfish and a mountain goat ?
One mucks around in fountains.

A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ?
One is used for cunning stunts.

A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ?
One shoots but can't hit.

A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ?
One sucks and sucks and never fails.

Caucus and cactus ?
One has the pricks on the outside.

A girl in church and a girl in the bath ?
One has a soul full of hope.

A war horse and a draught horse ?
One darts into the fray.

Your girlfriend and your bank account ?
Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal.

A good girl and a nice girl ?
A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but
the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.