Sunday Funnies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all









A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!!!

@>`~~~~>,~~
Bet you didn't know this:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.




There was a man that had to go on a business trip in another country, so
he asked his friend if he could take care of his pet ape while he was away.
His friend agreed, and the man proceeded to give him spacific directions.

The man led his friend to a bookcase in his study. He tilted one of the
books on the shelf, and the bookcase creeked open. There was a huge
steel door with 12 locks. The man showed his friend how to unlock the door,
and then they proceeded down a long, dark staircase, lit only by candles.
At the bottom of the stairs, there was another huge steel door with 12
locks.
The man showed his friend how to unlock this door as well.
The door opened into a huge room, completely empty except for a large
cage in the center of the room.
The man led his friend to this cage, and inside sat a small, furry,
purple ball. "This is my purple ape" the man said proudly. "To feed and water
him, you need only to pull out the drawer in the bottom of the cage, and
deposit the food and water there.... Whatever you do... don't touch him!!" The
man's friend thought this somewhat bizzare, but agreed, and asured the man
that everything would be fine. The next day, the friend went to the house,
pulled one the book, unlocked the 12 locks, went down the stairs, unlocked the
12 locks on the second door, and entered the room.
He went to the cage, opened the drawer, deposited the food and water,
closed the drawer, and began to walk away. He stopped about half way across the
room, and thought to himself, "I wonder what happens when you touch
him?"
He turned, walked back to the cage, and reached in, touching the small
purple ball. The ball began to twitch, and then tremble. Suddenly, the
small purple ball grew into a huge purple ape, that was foaming at the mouth,
growling, and snarling. The friend was instantly terrified, and began to
run away. Just as he reached the door, he heard the ape tearing through the
bars of the cage. He slamed the door shut, and ran up the stairs. When he got
to the top, he heard the ape busting through the door, and coming after
him. He slammed the second door, and closed the bookcase. "This thing really
wants to kill me," he thought, as he ran out of the house. As he got into his
cab in front of the house, he saw the purple ape breaking out of the front
door, drooling, and bearing his teeth. "Drive as fast as you can!" he yelled
to the cab driver as the car sped away. They drove for almost a hour, but
every time the man turned around, the ape was behind them. "Take me to the
airport, I'll bet he can't fly" the man said. They reached the airport,
and the man boarded a small passenger plane, took off, and felt safe.
But, when he looked down, he could see the ape running directly after
him. "Fly over that huge lake, I'll bet he can't swim" the man directed to
the pilot, and over the water they flew. The man looked down, and sure
enough, below him, the purple ape swam.
Just then, the plane began to spit and sputter, and the pilot handed him
a parachute. "we have to bail" the pilot said. So they jumped from the
plane.The pilot's parachute opened, and he drifted safely to the ground.
The man's parachut, however, did not open. He fell straight into the
water.As he came up for air, he remembered the purple ape, and began to panic.
He could hear the beast writhing behing him as he swam for his life. He
reached a huge cliff along the bank and began to climb, all the while hearing
the ape pursuing him to kill him. He reached the top, and began to run. Just
then, his foot got caught on a vine and he fell, breaking his leg. That
was the end, he couldn't run with a broken leg. He decided to eccept that
his time had come. As the purple ape rushed up on him, he began to prey to
the heavens that all his sins be forgiven. Just then, the ape reached out,
gently touched the man's arm, and said....
"TAG... You're it!!!"


I remember when I got married.
I remember where I got married.
But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young
wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart, " she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I
cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to
season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she
sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new
cat tomorrow."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Waking up after a restless night, Anni turned to her husband Sam and
frowned.
"I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"
Sam replied, "Who was sleeping
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Client: Excuse Me, Can I be served please?

Menu Support Representative (MSR): Hi, my name is William, and I'll be
your Menu Support Representative. What seems to be the problem?
Client: There's a fly in my soup!
MSR: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Client: No, it's still there.
MSR: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork
instead.
Client: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
MSR: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are
you using?
Client: A SOUP bowl!
MSR: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was
the bowl set up?
Client: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
MSR: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Client: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
MSR: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Client: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
MSR: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Client: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
MSR: The current Soup of the Day is Tomato.
Client: Fine. Bring me the Tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
[MSR leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
MSR: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Client: This is Potato soup.
MSR: Yes, the Tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Client: Well, I'm so hungry now I'll eat anything.
[The Menu Support Representative leaves.]
Client: Sir! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $ 2.50
Undocumented Feature (bug X 2). . . $ 6.00
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $ 1.00
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ______
Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $14.50


Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here," he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does". And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed,
"Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well, Michael. As you wish...look through the gates."
He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course
that it made him sick to his stomach.
"Forget it! There is no way I'm going to spend eternity playing on that
course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate.
"Come over here and see what I have to offer."
Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most
absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil
and says,
"Yeah....I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said,
"I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared
with laughter. "Oh that........ there aren't any."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail
Road.
He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a
problem rider. Today was one of those days.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his
ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler, sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Several women from church were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who had
been ill for a very long time.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep
you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do
my own praying."



It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.
I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was
more than ample room in the back.
Then.......the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful,
smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid
people stay up front."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the
jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?"
And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You can be sure there are no cannibals
in Africa."~
And the tourist says, "But there may be still some cannibals."
And the tourist guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one last
Monday."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
My name, Leone, is a feminine spelling of Leon, which often causes
confusion. When my car registration arrived marked "M" for male, I sent
it back to the motor-vehicle bureau with this request:
"I am an 'F.' Would you please make the correction?"
The bureau promptly sent me another form. It read:
"Please give the reason for this change."